Daddy's Sugar Ball

Your 2012 Pittsburgh Pirates Preview

2012-04-02T01:21:07Z

Nutting likes the looks of the 2012 Pirates. He figures he will make 25-30 million this season with the rise in ticket prices.

A quick reminder about last season: The first half was a spilling over of joy during April, May, June and 90% of July that landed with a thud on July 26^th at the hands of a tired Jerry Meals and the Atlanta Braves after a six hour, 19 inning marathon. The Buccos then crumbled, winning only 18 of the remaining 59 games.

72-90

Fourth place in the division

19 years and counting

…

So now I welcome you to the spring of my discontent soon to be made ruinous summer by yet another season of the Pittsburgh Pirates Baseball Club’s failures.

Just as the swallows returning to Capistrano is an annual sign of a returning spring so now is word that Pittsburgh Pirates’ third baseman Pedro Alvarez has lost weight, came into training in “excellent shape,” really worked out in the off season, reworked his swing, and (best of all) got his head on straight. It was not yet the end of February when the Pittsburgh media started selling Yinzers on the fact that Pedro had once again been reborn. Approximately 2,387 spring training strike outs, a sub-.200 grapefruit league batting average, and some 40 odd days later and people are asking if Pedro should start the season in AAA Indianapolis. I sure am glad that Pedro pouted his way out of playing winter ball after last season.

It was announced this week that Pedro will start the season at third base and his position on the opening day 25 man roster is “secure.”

I now believe that Pedro is part of the yet un-exorcised demons from the Jason Kendall years. You know, that clubhouse malaise that causes players to welcome rookies with “Welcome to Hell” upon first making it to “the bigs” as a Bucco.

The power of Clemente compels you! The power of CLEMENTE COMPELS YOU!!!

Last season broke down once the quality of pitching came back to Earth and the arms grew tired. This year I feel like the season might breakdown right out the gate. With someone whose psyche is as fragile as Pedro’s what will happen as the Pirates faithful turn on him if he continues to be a strikeout machine that will swing at anything? What if Pedro consistently gives up after two strikes like he has in the past? The fans will turn on him and it will be ugly. PNC Park will become hostile along the third base line.

He has never lived up to being the second overall pick in 2008. The best we have seen from him was 2010 where he hit 16 home runs and drove 64 runs across the plate in just under 100 games. Since then he has not even been able to produce at the AAA level while on assignment. The clock is running out on Pedro and I hate to think it, but the team’s early going might hinge on his ability to show he is a pro caliber baseball player.

/chugs from bottle of Jameson

Some good news: McCutchen is locked up with a six-year $51.5 million deal. In the long run this could be a steal for a contract. McCutchen wanted to stay. He wanted fair value and the Pirates management finally signed an impact player instead of trading him away before the contract was up. There is nothing not to love about this deal. It is that good.

McCutchen’s numbers last season: 23 HR, 89 RBI, 23 SB, and his VORP was sky high (at one point last season it was the highest in baseball}). I hope for an incremental improvement this season along with a second trip to the All Star game. 28 HR, 95 RBI, and 30 SB.

My own personal dream boat Neil Walker is back and after playing 159 games at second base last season is the shining star of the Pirates infield. Not that this is hard to do. Pittsburgh raised and at 26 years old should be around for years to come if the Pirates can get a contract extension to him… which they better because I am now the proud owner of a Walker jersey.

Pitching:

Pittsburgh welcome’s A.J. Burnett.

(nano seconds later)

A.J. Burnett takes ball off face during bunting practice; breaks orbital bone.

Congrats… you are officially a Pirate after that turn of events. Once his face is finished healing he should be the number one starter. Pirate’s faithful are hopeful that a change of venue and facing NL bats will see Burnett be the 18-20 game winner and not the 10-15 or 11-11 pitcher that caused him to get drummed out of the Yankees clubhouse. I’m very optimistic in this regard… was more so before he ended up using his face as a back stop.

Once Burnett is healed up the rotation will be: Burnett, McDonald, Charlie “Electric Stuff” Morton, the newly acquired Erik “the half a bee” Bedard, and Jeff Karstens or Correia.

I am excited about that… but I am also currently three quarters of the way through a bottle of Jameson. You should probably ask someone less drunk and less likely to be lining up for Pirates Brand Kool-Aid.

Best case scenario: Last season everyone was rooting for the Pirates. ESPN showed highlights of our games! We were part of the discussion about what was great about baseball during a summer month. It was fun. Maybe we can catch that again. The NL Central should be wide open. I would be ecstatic to see 78-84 season. That being said the best case scenario really needs to be at minimum an 81-81 season. That is the bar. This team needs to end the streak to be able to really advance from being a perennial joke.

Worst case scenario: The schedule is lining up perfectly for the Pirates to get off to a deadly start: Phillies at home, then a west coast swing with nine straight against the Dodgers, Giants and the D-bags, then back home for Cards, Rockies and then down to Atlanta. The Pirates could easily finish April ten games below .500.

Let's Go Bucs!

Thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...

Bearcat

Breaking Down Ryan Braun's Press Conference

2012-03-01T06:00:00Z

Last Friday afternoon, the Milwaukee Brewers' Ryan Braun held a press conference after his 50-game suspension for PED use was overturned. In addressing the media, Braun seemed to believe the arbiter's ruling exonerated him of any guilt in the matter. But only DSB can read between the lines and know what he was really thinking during key moments of his address.

*DSB analysis in blue italics

I am very pleased and relieved by today’s decision.
I am fucking ecstatic. I just pulled off a massive upset and totally got away with it!!! FACE!

It is the first step in restoring my good name and reputation.
By restoring my good name I mean I can stand here and pretend like my piss was not chuck full of so much synthetic testosterone that is was basically the consistency of toothpaste.

We were able to get through this because I am innocent and the truth is on our side.
Truth just went through the meat grinder of labor arbitration but I don’t have to serve 50 games and lose a huge chunk of money!!!

We provided complete cooperation throughout, despite the highly unusual circumstances.
Getting caught was the highly unusual circumstance…

I have been an open book, willing to share details from every aspect of my life as part of this investigation, because I have nothing to hide.
Except for my cache of drugs and the fact that I have used PEDs to earn an MVP award… other than that I have nothing to hide.

I have passed over 25 drug tests in my career, including at least three in the past year.
I am generally pretty good at cycling my roids…

I would like to thank my family and friends, my teammates, the Brewers organization led by Mark Attanasio, Doug Melvin, Gord Ash and Ron Roenicke, and other players around the league who have expressed their support and our great fans in Milwaukee and around the country who stuck by me and did not rush to judgment.
The players are super pumped to know that the system that they agreed to through the Union is totally destroyed because our Union will do anything even if it means destroying the very game that pays us millions of dollars.

I’d also like to offer special thanks to Michael Weiner and the Players Association for believing in me since day one and to my attorneys.
They believed in our ability to get me off on a technicality that actually doesn’t even exist to anyone with an ounce of common sense. LAWYERS BABY!!!

I’d like to thank my agent Nez Balelo and Terry Prince of CAA Sports and Matthew Hiltzik of Hiltzik Strategies for all of their help and counsel through the process.
THANK YOU!!! EVERYONE IS GETTING A LAPDANCE TONIGHT!!!

This is not just about one person, but about all current and future players, and thankfully, today the process worked.
By worked I actually mean that I just broke it and now you all can begin juicing again with impunity since I totally just got away with it.

Despite the challenges of this adversarial process, I do appreciate the professionalism demonstrated by the panel chair and the office of the commissioner.
This is complete bullshit but my PR rep thought it was a good idea… fuck the commissioner and all of management who have paid me hundreds of millions of dollars.

As I said before, I’ve always loved and had so much respect for the game of baseball.
I respect it so much that I wanted to put on 30 pounds of pure muscle so as to make millions in ill-gotten money. Thank you baseball… in the immortal words of another cheater you “have been berry, berry good to me.”

Everything I’ve done in my career has been with that respect and appreciation in mind.
And money… lots and lots of money. I love money. And road beef. The road beef is pretty awesome.

I look forward to finally being able to speak to the fans and the media on Friday and then returning the focus to baseball and working with my Brewers teammates on defending our National League Central title.
Hopefully I can cycle enough juice in the next couple weeks to still hit above .220 but if not so what I got paid…

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy's Sugar Ball...
Bearcat

Your 1984 Pittsburgh Pirates

2012-02-18T01:32:45Z

Chuck Tanner: Which base were you throwing to?

Dale Berra: Seventh?

Tanner: He’s done. Hey, Murray! Get him out of here. Who we got?

Berra: Sixth?

Murray (Bench Coach): Ahh, Chuck the best we can do is bring in Belliard… and he is currently getting a… well a “massage” in the locker room.

Tanner: Christ on a cracker… What is Milner doing?

Murray: He just tore up his jersey looking for his "secret pocket" and is sweating buckets. We can’t send him out there.

/Berra calls over the Pirate Parrot waving a couple 20s.

Tanner: What the hell are you doing?

Berra: Just trying to get a bump, coach.

Tanner: Get on the bump? We got Rod Scurry out there. The man just wants to throw gas today. Hey Rod! How about an off speed pitch here or there buddy?

Scurry: Coach… I’m pretty sure that today I can both pitch and catch. I can catch my own pitches. This means you can use four guys in the outfield and seven on the infield.

Tanner: What the… Will you just throw the damn ball?

/John Milner runs out of the dugout.

Milner: Hey Lee! You got any more suga’? I got the itching again. You owe me after I let you go back door on my old lady last night! Don’t even pretend I don’t know! You got to pay to ride that train!

Lee Mazzilli: I don’t owe you shit. I dropped an eight ball in your lap on the bus ride yesterday. What the hell are you doing looking for more? Besides it was Lee Lacy with your woman last night?

Lee Lacy: Wrong. I was busy cutting my new batch with some rosin all night? I’m pretty sure it was Lee Tunnell.

Tanner: Milner, get the hell off the field. How many guys named Lee do we have on this team?

Ump: Hey coach… what you got going on here? You going to make a change?

/Dave Parker walks over and lights up a J

Parker: Hey Ump… it’s all cool. Don’t be harshin’ the mellow around here. We just got to get a rotation going. Puff, Puff, Give. Al’right?

/Ump rings Parker up

Ump: You’re out of here!

Parker: Whoa… You got an issue my man?

Ump: Chuck you better get a hold of your crew or this game is over!

Tanner: You got your own problems Ump. The batter looks like he is scooping up all the chalk from the batter's box.

Tim Raines: Hey Ump, can I use your little brush? If this game is over then I am taking all THIS back to the hotel… because when it Raines, IT POURS BABY!!!

Dock Ellis: What about me?

Parker: Common misconception. You were off the team after the ‘75 season. Sorry old buddy but we don’t need you in this bit.

Berra: Right field?

Tanner: What are you blabbering about Berra?

Berra: Where the ball should go…

Tanner: Right… Damn… now Berra just pretend like the ball is… ah…forget about it. Get me a beer.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...

Bearcat

A Super Crappy Running Diary

2012-02-06T03:08:41Z

Welcome back DSB readers, I am sure both of you are excited to see that I am taking the time to write another Running Diary full of misspellings, run-on sentences and retread jokes that were not necessarily funny the first time around.

This was my favorite part of the Super Bowl...

A quick note about the pregame. NBC first asked Archie Manning about the prospect of Pey-Pey playing in New York City with Eli and the look on his face was priceless. The man is so desperate to have this scenario play out he can taste it. It was obvious. What a self-aggrandizing asshole.

After an interview with Bob Kraft about the loss of his wife and the impact on the team, Rodney Harrison says that Myra Kraft “was the Patriot way.” I always assumed that Harrison thought the Patriot way was to be a cheating hack and to be widely considered the league’s dirtiest player.

An Cris Collinsworth wears jeans from his playing days. They are at least 20 years old. I can’t believe NBC let him get in front of a camera dressed like a hick seed from three decades in the past.

Costas called the Patriots “the NFL’s model franchise.” Like Spygate never even happened…

6:17pm Why is Kelly Clarkson the biggest star they could get to do the National Anthem? Also country music is the fucking worst… Naturally, Al Michaels call is rousing.

6:25pm Belicheat is looking extra homeless tonight. Clearly, this is an advantage for the Pats. While we are talking advantages I like the Pats to win but will be rooting for the Giants. God help me if the Patriots get four rings…

6:27pm This seems like a good time to let you know that the first beer of the night was Allagash Black Belgian Style Stout… it was fantastic. Right now for kick off I have a Bell’s Hopslam. ZJ loves this beer and for good reason. It gets the Bearcat Seal of Approval.

6:29pm Kickoff

6:32pm Every play thus far has involved Al Michaels reminding us of various plays that each individual participated in during the past season. I have no reference for any of this stuff. I think he just wants to show off that he watches a lot of football and did his homework. Hey Al, no need to “show all work” this is not algebra.

6:35pm Bud Light Platinum is triple filtered. That way they get rid of any of that beer like flavor…

6:39pm SAFETY!!!! Holy Shit! That is fantastic. That just made my night. That was 50-1 odds.

6:43pm Hynoski… The Polish Plow. FROM? Pitt. Great nickname.

6:47pm The Patriots can play awesome defense when they have 12 men on the field. Bill Simmons is wondering what is wrong with that defensive scheme.

6:50 Cruz with the TD. 9-0 I couldn’t be happier at this point. And NBC plays salsa music for Cruz.

6:51pm Bud Light Platinum says that good things come for those that wait. If the good thing Bud Light I would rather just continue to be a rampant asshole.

6:55pm The Bridgestone Halftime show will be brought you at halftime by Bridgestone.

6:57pm I would love to be at the party where a Pats fan has 9 and 0 in his Super Bowl square. He has to be so conflicted. That would be fun to watch.

7:04pm 9-3 after the FG. The Chevy ad with the “Best Gift Ever” has best commercial thus far status.

7:08pm “Without GE there would be no Bud?” I hate General Electric.

7:10pm “His chip block is assault and battery” Ray Lewis is wondering what crime his play corresponds with… Criminal conspiracy and homicide seem right up his alley.

7:15pm I wonder if Pats’ Patrick Chung has named his penis “Wang Chung.” I am 100% sure he has.

7:32pm Gronkowski finally makes a catch and somewhere XXX Starlet Bibi Jones starts riding her bed post.

7:35pm So If I get flowers from Teraflora for a Victoria’s Secret model Adrian Lima I get to receive? That would be totally worth a 50 dollar half dozen rose set with ugly ass vase. She was alluding to a BJ right?

7:42pm This salsa if awesome. I am basically going to eat the entire jar. I kind of felt like being honest about the fact that I am complete fat ass.

7:45pm JPP with a huge stop inside the 2 yard line. Chris Collinsworth just said “He is not a regular human being.” HGH and steroids does that Chris.

7:46pm Woodhead with the TD catch. 10-9 Patriots.

7:52pm New beer Fegley’s Hop Explosion. Lots of grapefruit flavor and serious hops. A west coast type IPA and pretty good. I would seek this one out.

7:46pm Rodney Harrison may be working for NBC but he is clearly just a shill for the Patriots. He thinks the Patriots have played the best first half of football of all time.

8:03pm Madonna Crotch…. On my TV. BTW: Sean Penn has been there.

8:10pm Is Cee Lo Green wearing a trash bag?

8:13pm The Voice commercial was scary. Betty White’s eyes may have been up here but her tits were on the floor.

8:17pm The Clint Eastwood/Detroit commercial is fantastic. Chryslers still suck… but a great commercial.

8:25pm TD Hernández 17-9 Patriots… this game is not great.

8:58pm I totally blacked out… I might have put myself into a salsa coma.

8:59pm The NFL used Ray-Ray to shill for the league talking about player safety in a commercial to lead into the fourth quarter. The NFL turned to a murderer who ratted out his buddies to represent their efforts to make an inherently violent brand seem as safe as a walk in the park. The NFL used a krumping criminal who stabbed a man and let his buddies take the fall as their pitch man. This kills me.

9:48pm This game got pretty exciting here in the fourth too bad this blog post sucks… 38 seconds left. If the Patriots win this one I will be stunned and shocked.

9:51pm HAHAHA FUCK YOU BILL SIMMONS RED SOX WOODHEAD NATION!!!!!11!1!!!!

This post sucks… but thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball.

Sports Headlines

2011-12-28T21:00:00Z

Some sports headlines from around the Internet along with some DSB commentary...

Yahoo! Sports: Were Saints Right to Run Up the Score?

Boo-Fucking-Hoo… This is a top ten tired old saw of sports writing. The Saints ran up the score instead of turning a boring ass blow out into a super boring ass blowout with a slow grind to the end.

Fox Sports: Identity Theft in Los Angeles Basketball

Does this mean that Chris Paul will be the new Kobe? I can’t wait for him to get off for anally raping a young girl and for him to begin berating and intimidating teammates on a nightly basis.

Golf Digest: No One Tells Tiger What To Do

Except the very expensive woman with the whip he hired last night…

RealClearSports.com: Firm’s Attempt to Disown Sandusky is Specious

I know… so odd. The man is only radioactive. Why would they want to create any distance? This is clearly in need of additional journalistic investigation. If only we had a whole industry dedicated to that mission.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette: Pirates Next Youth Wave Approaches

I am going to skip the life raft of hope this season. Maybe the 2012 riptide of failure will drag me out to sea and feed my fandom to the fishes…

Puck Daddy: ESPN Year In Review Snubs Hockey Tragedies

No snark on this one… I totally agree. ESPN has been giving hockey the finger for years. If it is not Red Sox/Yankees, NBA, BJs to the NFL or a marketable name player they could not give a shit.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball

Another Sit Down With The Chosen One

2011-12-28T02:08:01Z

DSB decided to sit down again with local minor league baseball sensation and major league tool Bryce Harper to discuss how his Christmas weekend went and to see what he plans to do in the new year.

DSB: So how was your Christmas?

BH: Well Bro, I have to say it was pretty f-ing sweet. I went to church with my ‘rents and praised the baby Jesus for making my life so fuckin’ awesome. I like to thank The Chosen One 1.0 for making me The Chosen One 2.OH NO! I need to be humble about my talents and life during this time so I only took the diamond white Range Rover to church but honeys still be flockin’.

DSB: Did you get any nice gifts?

BH: Yeah, Bro… I got a chocolate lab that I named Swag. He has the B-Harps demeanor down. He is good looking and knows it and the ladies love his style. Although I still have better hair.

DSB: Give any nice gifts?

BH: Bro… I used my Savannah’s on Hanna gold membership to make it rain in the club on Christmas Eve. Nothing like a stripper in a Santa suit string bikini to make you feel the holiday spirit.

/winks

DSB: Any plans for the New Year?

BH: Yo Bro we plan on taking the Bryce Brand to new heights. Scotty B. (Boras) and I are going to be dropping a 10 foot tall bottle of Moose Knuckle Juice at midnight in a Miami club called the Meat Pit. It is going to be a crazy party with models and shit.

DSB: Can we get and invite?

BH: Are you a model, Bro?

DSB: No…

BH: Then sorry B… got to keep the honeys in the proper ratio. How about I hook you up with a Bryce Brand original Double Deep V T-shirt? These bad boys retail for $250 in the Kardashian boutique Dash. I would autograph it for ya but I don’t need this ending up on eBay, bro.

DSB: This T-shirt smells like diesel fuel…

BH: Yo, that be my new fragrance The Chosen Smell. Scotty B said that every major player in the game has to have a smell. I helped formulate it and everything. Here is the breakdown: pine tar, the essence of Moose Knuckle Juice, artificial tanning solution, rubbing alcohol, pine tree car air freshener, hair gel, baseball glove leather oil, some of my own sweat, and vinegar and water.

DSB: It is quite the powerful odor… it burns the nostrils.

BH: It comes packaged in a two liter sized glass fist with a hand pump.

DSB: I am pretty sure that I used something similar this summer to spray pesticide. Any baseball related goals for 2012?

BH: Bro… I have been working on my homerun celebration handshakes all winter. When I go deep the dugout is going to see some sweet high fives this year.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

Funniest 15 Moments from our Podcasts - Part 3: 5-1

2011-12-19T06:00:00Z

Here at Daddy's Sugar Ball we once produced content regularly and even podcasted every so often. In fact, we produced seven entertaining episodes full of thoughtful and funny conversations among the editors. That's why I'm counting down my 15 funniest moments from our podcasts...

5. A Deal with the Devil (Epsiode 6 - 17:32)

Max Power: Today Kurt Warner retired
ZJ: At his press conference was he like....cloven hooves!!! click-clack click-clack

4. Kelsey Nicole NSFW (Episode 3 - 2:51)

Spintrick: Well Spintrick's Chick Pick of the Moment is this woman named Kelsey Nicole.
ZJ: You should have like intro music
Spintrick: Yeah I should have my own bit there probably. Whatever I said her name was...Kelsey Nicole. Playboy cyber girl. She's my current screen saver as we can all see.
ZJ: Oh...she looks very nice. She looks smart.
Bearcat: Very smart
Spintrick: She could be
ZJ: Intelligent
Spintrick: With those boobs she could have another brain in each one of those boobs. I mean...three brains. That's a lot of brains.
Bearcat: Do we know any of her turn-ons or turn-offs?
Spintrick: Who cares?
Bearcat: Hobbies?
Spintrick: It looks like hot is one of her main hobbies.

3. Alice Eve (Episode 3 - 26:18)

Bearcat: Her rack is fantastic
ZJ: What would you call it...like a C cup?
Bearcat: No. These are Ds to double Ds.
ZJ: Wow! Like your wife's.
<about 5 seconds of silence>
ZJ: Does that get edited out?
Bearcat: That is definitely getting edited out. If you don't edit that out, I'm going to be pissed. And I know you're dying to not edit that out and if you don't I'm going to be so angry.

2. Our Burn Victims (Episode 3 - 26:20)

Spintrick: Here's a shoutout to all our burn victims.
ZJ: Go burn victims!
Spintrick: I'm pumping my fist and you can't see it. We're rooting for you.
Spintrick: Here's a callout to all the people out there listening.
ZJ: Especially the burnt ones
...
Spintrick: That's sorta in poor taste. Even I'm going to say that.
ZJ: Our burn victims would not appreciate that type of humor.
Spintrick: Do most burn victims like to be cremated after they pass away?

1. Jamie Ford's Worst Feature (Episode 5 - 27:24)

Bearcat: Man hands.
ZJ: Shut up.
Bearcat: Man hands. I'm telling you.
ZJ: Really?
Bearcat: Yeah
ZJ: She's a dark-haired brunette. Gorgeous. And hopefully she'll lose her hands in an industrial accident soon.
Max Power: Where they get melded off or cut off?
ZJ: Either way. It doesn't matter.
Max Power: Would you rather have some partial stumps?
ZJ: No, I'd want full off the stump.
Bearcat: Would you take a SJ...a stump job?
ZJ: Sure.
Bearcat: ZJ getting a SJ.
Max Power: What if they were burned off? Because you know we have a very strong burn victim contingency.
ZJ: Yes. I'd be down with that. The BJ. Wait that's not a BJ. Is that a MJ?...a melt job?
ZJ: You burn victims call in and let me know what is that called when you use your little flippers.
ZJ: I don't know what it's called. Is it an FJ?
Bearcat: FJ.
ZJ: A flip job

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy's Sugar Ball...

Funniest 15 Moments from our Podcasts - Part 2: 10-6

2011-12-14T20:00:00Z

Spintrick: 90% of the people that watch baseball don't know about stelaing signs or have never seen it. So it expose this element of the game to them.
Bearcat: Well this is the first time I had seen it.
Max Power: No, you've seen it. You just didn't know what you were watching.
Bearcat: I didn't recognize it. And this YouTube video was fantastic.
ZJ: You are like a child.
Bearcat: I am a child. You know the Pirates aren't trying to steal signs because the Pirates aren't trying to win.
Spintrick: Well first you have to get someone to second base.

9. Drinking Yuengling (Episode 3 - 4:28)

Max Power: Loyal reader PJH says that he can hook us up with a tour. It's only about an hour, an hour-and-a-half away.
Bearcat: That might be a great DSB field trip
ZJ: He's even said he may have a connection to Dick Yuengling himself to give us the tour. Old Dick.
Bearcat: My level of excitement just went through the roof.
Max Power: Bearcat always gets happy when we talk about dick.
Spintrick: Especially old dick
Bearcat: America's oldest dick
ZJ: Old, dusty dick

8. Kelly Brook (Episode 3 - 22:56)

Max Power: She dated the bad guy from Titanic for a while, didn't she?
Spintrick: The iceberg?

7. Pissing After Sex (Episode 5 - 30:18)

Bearcat: Why is it like that?
Spintick: Because you get cum in there.
ZJ: Cum changes everything.
Max Power: What about just the morning? In the morning I got like multiple streams.
Bearcat: Fucking pissing on the wall.
ZJ: You're not aiming there.
Max Power: And the best thing you do is you go, "Well the main stream is in the bowl. That's the best I can do."
Spintrick: Why clean up the peripheral?
Bearcat: I get upset if I ever hit the magazines.
Spintrick: That's why I sit down.
Bearcat: I generally sit down.
Max Power: WHAT?!?!!
Bearcat: I generally sit down. Pretty much all the time.
ZJ: So, you ladies sit down to pee?
Bearcat: Yeah.
Max Power: This is fucking gay as hell.
Bearcat: It's cleaner.
Max Power: There's only one reason to sit down.
Spintrick: Because its easier?
Max Power: If you are drunk so much that the room is spinning. That's the only reason to sit down to pee.
Beacrat: That encompasses my life.
ZJ: Aren't you a man? A man stands to pee.
Spintrick: What I meant to say was that I always stand to pee. Always. I've never sat down to just pee. I sometimes stand when I shit. Because I' m a man
ZJ: That's my boy.
Bearcat: If I had a urinal in my home I would always stand to pee.
Max Power: Why don't you put a urinal in?
Bearcat: I'd like to put one in my basement. But I wouldn't put one in my main bathroom.
Max Power: In the bathroom next to your kitchen?
Bearcat: In the powder room?
ZJ: Oh my god...
Max Power: It's a fucking shitter. It's a bathroom. It's not a fucking powder room.
ZJ: What the fuck are you powdering in there?
Bearcat: Hold on, I need some more beer.
Spintrick: Chug another beer, Nancy. Why don't you sit down when you chug it?

6. Satan's Den (Epsiode 5 - 26:23)

Spintrick: Everybody just chug.
Bearcat: ...and chug!!
ALL: chugging beer
Bearcat: Excellent chug there ZJ. Did you take half a fucking sip?
ZJ: Oh, okay Chugathon...Chugatron
Bearcat: Mine appears to be 100 times more chugged.
ZJ: I took a sip.
Bearcat: Less than a sip. My grandma takes bigger sips.
ZJ: How many beers have you had tonight? By the way, I'm a beer ahead of you.
Bearcat: Okay. You know what we're going to do then?
ZJ: Let's see what we're gonna do. Bring it on big man.
Spintrick: We got a beer challenge!! Woooooo!!! Let's piss off the neighbors. What do you guys care? I only live here...fucking assholes.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy's Sugar Ball...

Funniest 15 Moments from our Podcasts - Part 1: 15-11

2011-12-14T01:00:00Z

Here at Daddy's Sugar Ball we once produced content regularly and even podcasted every so often. In fact, we produced seven entertaining episodes full of thoughtful and funny conversations among the editors. Over the next three days I'll be counting down my 15 funniest moments from our podcasts.

15. Spintrick's Role Defined (Episode 2 - 1:50)

Spintrick: As my role here as the peripheral color guy (my lifelong dream) I was instructed on my vacation mind you, I did work on this during my vacation, that since my role requires virtually no work which is why I have it.
Max Power: You were overqualified actually.
Spintrick: Thank you. That's the first time I've ever heard that.

14. Pittsburgh Pirates' Season Tickets (Episode 5 - 18:56)

Bearcat: He ended up buying a 20-game package because you get to go down for batting practice. You get to actually go out on the field and shit. He really got the hard sell.
...
ZJ: He's going to be on the field! Did he say what inning they'd play him in?

13. Road Beef (Episode 7 - 36:40)

Bearcat: Men in this country will fuck anything.
Max Power: Steve Phillips is proof of that.

12. Catherine the Great (Episode 3 - 23:15)

Max Power: Who was the one who supposedly died from trying to fuck the horse? Who was that?
ZJ: Was that Christopher Reeve?
Spintrick: I was going to go with your mom, but that seemed too easy.
Bearcat: Christopher Reeve...wow.
ZJ: Too soon?
Spintrick: Not too soon. Not at all. Too late actually. Eight years ago that would have been gangbusters

11. The End of Communism (Episode 6 - 18:15)

Bearcat: No matter what you feel about the Catholic church, John Paul II did one thing that all other peoples in this world need to recognize...the bringing down of communism. There's three people you can point to: Ronald Reagan, Pope John Paul II, and the third one. Do you know who that is?
ZJ: Your dad?
Bearcat: Margaret Thatcher, the iron lady.
ZJ: I would argue there's one other person.
Max Power: I would too.
ALL: Rocky!!!

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy's Sugar Ball...

Sports Headlines

2011-12-01T02:18:55Z

Some headline from the past two days...

SB Nation: Texas and A&M: Divorce in Church of Football

So who gets the kids, the vacation home in Tuscany and the booster... Oh will someone please worry about the boosters!!!

Fox Sports: Will LeBron’s Failures Make Him Better

Will the fact that he is a whiny bitch incapable of self reflection and surrounded by hangers on that enable his most damaging character flaws and a well documented history of not being able to finish be improved by continued failure?

ProFootballTalk: Del Rio Done In By Tebowmania

Does Del Rio count as Tebowmania’s first martyr?

Washington Post: Hunter to Mold Capitals in His Image

Which looks like this.

San Antonio Express-News: Texans Should Approach Favre

Translation: I do not want to do any real journalism today or for the rest of the season.

Yahoo! Sports: Two Game Ban for Suh Would Be Blessing

It would be a sacramental blessing from Tebowmania’s patron saint of suspensions St. Del Rio.

Atlanta Journal-Constitution: BCS Makes SEC Title Meaningless

Meaningless College Football made more meaningless by meaningless BCS and meaningless SEC title. ZJ still believes that College Football “Doesn’t Matter!”

Grantland.com: Lockout Damaged David Stern’s Reputation

How does one damage his reputation if his reputation is that of an arrogant uncontrolled asshole?

Newark Star-Ledger: Valentine is the Anti-Francona

Much like if matter and anti-matter ever touch if Francona and Valentine ever touch the universe will be destroyed. Even physics revolves around Red Sox Nation.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...

Bearcat

Steelers v. Chefs Running Diary...

2011-11-28T04:37:04Z

Welcome back for another DSB Running Diary where I provide a dick joke fueled rundown of the Steelers prime time game…. So yeah, the usual shit show on DSB.

8:15 Peter King brings up the Texas to Favre rumors… I scream at my TV the whole time he is speaking then Costas asks when Favre's name will stop coming up. WHEN PETER KING FINALLY STOPS BRINGING IT UP YOU MEAT HEAD!!!

Looks like a pickedthe wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

8:22 Faith Hill has yet to compare Obama to Hitler so I guess we will continue to suffer through this shitty intro… If she did it in a bikini at least then I could mute it. NBC tries to sex it up with the leather suit but really she just looks like she hates it and leather is only sexy if the chick looks like she wore it specifically because she wants to get nailed all night long in a really profane way.

8:24 As I always say Arrow Head is the toughest place to play on the road in the NFL… I heard that about 15 years ago and considered it gospel. I will always assume it is true regardless of the actual facts, data or analysis. 24-17 Steelers is my prediction.

8:28 Mrs. Bearcat is going through our mountain of mail that has been collecting on the dining table. “You want this Brookstone Magazine? What is Brookstone, anyway? Is this like those airplane magazines that sell hotdog cookers and shit?” Me: “Pretty much”

8:30 Todd Hailey looking extra homeless today… This feels like a positive for the Black and Gold.

8:31 “Tyler Palko, Pitt” He looks like he just rolled out of bed 35 seconds before doing his intro tape… “Jonathon Baldwin, Pittsburgh” He was clearly stoned… way to sell that Pitt Panther football.

8:33 Steeler defense looking especially sieve like in the early going. This might be a good point to mention that I recently decided to take a break from drinking. It is moments like this that make me think I should return to numbing the pain with booze. NOW TROY IS SLOW TO GET UP and may be concussed?!?!?! WHERE’S THE BOOZE?!?!?!?!

8:38 Steelers defense tightens up and force the Chefs to kick a FG (Yes, Max Power and JP I mean Chefs and I know that commercial is a decade old.)

8:41 Al Michaels just called Ben “indestructible.” Season ending injury now imminent. This has me distressed.

8:43 Heath Miller with a catch and Arrow Head sounds like Heinz Field. Wow… basically destroys my theory that KC is toughest stadium in the league.

8:46 The autumn chill has Ed “Guns” Hochuli putting on the long sleeves I will assume he finds that depressing.

8:50 Mewelde Moore fumbles into the end zone… still not drinking… still not drinking… still not drinking… Why the HELL WAS HE IN THE GAME THERE??? What does he do that Mendenhall, you know our first round draft pick, can’t do?

8:54 Keisel reminds the Chefs that they are the Chefs by pouncing on Palko’s fumble… Nice. Bails out the Offense on that one.

8:58 Hailey is going to burn a challenge… This has an Andy Reid feeling to it. Well wasted my friend. Mike Tomlin thanks you for your stupidity. He earned about 12 inches… good job there Hailey.

9:02 That was one of the strangest 4^th and 2 conversions I have ever seen… Wow… just wow.

9:05 The Steelers O-Line gives up another sack and the Steelers are clearly leading the game in “Shooting itself in the foot category” at this point of the game.

9:08 I spoke too soon. No one out “shoots themselves in the foot” Tyler Palko. He throws a pick that is so bad it looks like he was trying to get intercepted by Ike Taylor… I think I completely forgot about his time at Pitt. How did that guy get in to the NFL?

9:11 End of the first quarter and somehow this game is still 0-3 KC. Let me take the time to now provide my thoughts on the NBA lockout ending… It sucks. That is all.

9:13 Collinsworth has now mentioned Ben’s thumb 3,869 times so far. Way to dig deep when prepping for the game there pal.

9:14 Steelers blow the redzone offense. Settle for a FG and the game is now tied 3-3.

9:16 Palko just threw another interception to Mundy… that is three possession and three successive turnovers. This is awesome. Wonder if Peter King will speculate about Brett Favre coming to KC at the half.

9:24 Touchdown! To Saunders!!! Great pass and masterful catch. 10-3 Stillers.

9:28 The always great TV moment of commercial, kickoff, commercial break. God forbid we show some football in this broadcast. I am really just watching so that Miller Lite can continue to call men who do not drink their watered down beer pussies.

9:36 Just saw that the Caps fired Bruce Boudreau… Christmas has come early. Suck it fat ass.

9:46 Boudreau firing was from bullshit fake Twitter account. Christmas canceled or at least put off for another could of games. Two minute warning and I am losing interest in this game. Paula Creamer’s mini-skirted golfing Citizen Watch commercial is holding my interest better than this game.

Creamer... Mmmmm... Creamer....

9:49 Jesus… Al Michaels just announced that Bob Costas will be pontificating about the Stevie Johnson TD celebration where he pantomimed Burress shooting himself in the leg and a plane crash in one swift move. I thought this was brilliant… Where is my Rage-ohol?

9:55 Sushi nails a 49 yard kick to bring on half time. I will now share with you a video with an awesome drag race wreck that caused the driver to just say “Fuck it… this car is destroyed I am going to enjoy burning up every single part on this bitch.”

10:03 Time for the Costas soapbox… Here he spends 5 minutes of self-indulgence to decry self-indulgence. What a joke. Pretty sure Costas also hates “uppity blacks.”

10:08 Thank God for Toyotathon otherwise my “end of year” would blow…

10:09 If the Detroit Lions on the Play 60 Bus had shown up at my school for a commercial I would have challenged them to a game and told them that the line was Lions +3. We totally could have covered.

10:12 Michelle TaFoya brings us back from the halftime break by reporting that Hailey stated that Palko “just needs to play better.” For that kind of crack reporting she probably makes six figures.

10:15 While I am thinking of it… I saw The Muppets this weekend. It was fantastic. Five out of Five stars. Only gripe: not enough Lew Zealand. See this movie… you will not regret it.

10:16 Ben throws a pick into double coverage… Collinsworth does not use this as an opportunity to bring up Ben’s broken thumb. Now I think he is just messing with me.

10:20 Michaels and Collinsworth logic: Palko played at Pitt. Pitt uses same facilities as Steelers. Palko prepared to play Steelers. Like he learned how to beat them via osmosis… My head hurts.

10:35 KC goes wildcat on 3^rd and 1 and gets stuffed and then fake punts for the conversion. I will assume that TaFoya would report that the Chiefs “went for it so that they could continue to keep the offense on the field…” if given the chance.

10:55 I am basically in a coma from this game. Still 13-6 Steelers but the defense might be more tired than I am.

10:58 KC screws up the end of the best drive they have had all night and are left with kicking a FG. 13-9 Steelers with more than seven minutes left in the game.

11:01 Collinsworth has used the term “penetration” about 50 times tonight…. Mrs. Collinsworth is clearly not pulling her weight.

Sasha Grey understand penetration unlike any other...

11:02 If the Southwest baggage handlers threw a penalty flag at me in the airport I would punch them in the throat. Traveling sucks enough already besides the prospect of being reminded that airlines deliver a double anal fisting through my wallet.

Kobe throat punch? Yes, please.

11:10 The Steelers never put KC away and now the Chiefs are in a position to drive the field and win the game… this sucks.

11:16 The Chiefs are driving down the field and are moving the ball nicely… this is causing heartburn. 1^st and 10 with 38 clicks on the clock with the ball on the Steelers 38. I am going to watch the rest of the game from a standing position.

11:19 Chiefs have a FALSE START!!! LOL This team truly has perfected the ability to be a complete clusterfuck in prime time.

11:20 Can we pick off Palko again? The game was more fun with we were doing that… HOLY SHIT THAT JUST HAPPENED. I swear to God I was asking for it just as it happened. WOW…

11:25 Well it’s a win. 13-9 Steelers. Not pretty but we are 8-3…

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

Bearcat

Q&A with The Chosen One, Bryce Harper

2011-11-24T00:22:42Z

DSB decided to sit down with Harrisburg AA baseball superstar and local president of the more dollars than brains club Bryce Harper to discuss how he is spending this off season...

Bro... I spent 38 minutes on my hair...

DSB: Bryce, you recently sent out a tweet to Wale (a DC area rapper) asking for a shout out in one of his songs? If he gave you a shout out would this be your new at bat music?

BH: Bro, when you are as awesome as I am it is tough to understand why I am not getting name dropped in more music. The Bryce Brand has the ability to really drum up hype and recognition and that is why my boy Scotty Boras has me endorsing Moose Knuckle Juice. It’s like Jager but with three times the alcohol and it is guaranteed to get the ladies in the mood. Big Ben swears by this stuff. So yeah if I could get Wale to name drop me and the Moose Knuckle in a song that would be my go to before I start ripping off pitcher tits, Bro.

DSB: How is that truck of yours doing?

BH: Bro, I traded in that murdered out F350 for a pimped out H2. It was used but being able to put a disco ball inside my car along with a Patron Tequila and Moose Knuckle themed bar was a must if I am going to make my whip as awesome as it should be for The Chosen One. I also had them put in a closet where I can keep my Affliction and double deep V T-shirts. That's right double deep V... just another part of the Bryce Brand. Thank you Scotty. Bitches be ripping them off my body all the time and you know…

/Flexes in mirror and blows himself a kiss.

DSB: How do you like hanging around the capital region of PA this off season?

BH: Bro, it was has been pretty good so far, I really enjoyed seeing Dane Cook down at the Giant Center. That guy is just the funniest white boy around. He and I went shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch after the show and picked up a couple nice “bitties.” Since then he helped me decorate my crib. I now have a Scarface poster in every room of my house. I even have a life size one in the shower… its bitchin’ Bro.

DSB: How have you been working on your game now that the cold weather has come around?

BH: Do you think this Hollister “Tell Your Girlfriend I Said Thanks” T-shirt is tight enough? I don’t think it is as tight as they advertised it to be…

DSB: The big story around here has been the Penn State Scandal… any thoughts about the news?

BH: Yo…Bro touching little boys is gay. Like really gay but not just like Subaru driver with rainbow sticker gay. Like gay bad plus really homo type gay… you know what I mean Bro?

DSB: No… at least I hope not.

BH: Bro, Its easy… there is gay, like two dudes gay and then there is gay like that cop pulling me over for doing 95 on Harvey Taylor Bridge gay. This is gay-gay. Both kinds of gay at the same time.

DSB: Kind of like Bros Icing Bros but somehow you made it more homophobic?

BH: No, Bro… that shit is fun!

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

Bearcat

Sports Headlines

2011-11-15T20:00:00Z

Philadelphia Inquirer: The Vote Is In: Eagles’ Reid Must Go

We get to vote on firing coaches now?!? This is awesome. I have a list of guys I have wanted to fire for years. Where is the voting booth?

CBS Sports: Both Sides Must Stand Down in NBA Taffy Pull

Whoever wrote that headline should be terminated and then lit on fire in the street as an example for copy editors everywhere.

Denver Post: Broncos Rushing Back to the Future

Tim Tebow fills Mr. Fusion with foreskins and the flux-capacitor is ready to fire.

Charlotte Observer: Coach K Set To Surpass His Mentor

Satan, Hitler or Pol Pot? I can’t remember which one he referenced in those AMEX ads…

Fox Sports: Papelbon Deal Has Trickle-Down Effect

Reaganomics is the new Moneyball…

National Post: A Crisis of Faith in Happy Valley

Treating football as a religion and coaches like deities is what caused this mess. Sports writers are partly to blame for this condition of treating sports like religion.

Sports Headlines

2011-11-12T13:43:49Z

I can't do better than that one...

Sports Illustrated: Sordid Finale Should Not Overshadow Career

Right because in the same week that we learn of unspeakable acts by a member of the PSU Football Family we should also reflect on all the good that Joe did. Let’s not dwell at this very critical time about his failure to protect children. Look! TWO NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS!!!

Los Angeles Times: Penn State About to Self-Immolate

Great headline and dead on. Credit given for going with self-immolation over the more classic gun-in-the mouth.

Philadelphia Sports Daily: Rampant Hypocrisy on Display

Did Philadelphia Sports Daily hire Mike Lupica and Mitch Albom for this issue?

USA Today: Meyer Tops List of Potential Successors

Hurry before the body is cold and with complete disregard for the complete clusterfuck that is Penn State let us start wild speculation about who will be the next over paid and overly powerful football coach at a perennially underachieving football factory!

Mobile Press-Register: Slim Chance for LSU-Bama Rematch

What? No more field goal kicking contest of the Millennium? SEC people are all retarded.

Sporting News: Panthers’ Odd Couple Producing Magic

And now for your enjoyment Cam Newton and Steve Smith will saw Ron Rivera in HALF!!!

National Post: Penn State Mushroom Cloud Keeps Growing

This truly is the Hiroshima of sports.

Sporting News: Goldbricking Haynesworth Easy to Dislike

By my count there are three words in this headline that each could rank as the understatement of the year. That is impressive.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...

Bearcat

Sports Headlines

2011-11-09T21:23:46Z

Who cares about the stories? This is about the headlines.

DSB is obviously not going to write itself so as a means by which to reboot this tired old dick joke site I have enlisted a new theme. Expect it to hold my attention for a few weeks. For you? Maybe the next day or two. On to today's sports headlines from around the Internets.

RealClearSports.com: PSU Scandal Robs Sports of Innocence

I agree. Sports were as pure as the driven snow before Penn State sexually assaulted it in a football shower. Sports in the age of free agency, monstrous-franchise breaking-contracts, pay to play college athletes, steroids, HGH, lockouts, strikes, countless cheating scandals, gambling and OJ Simpson has finally grown up and is now no longer innocent.

Boston Herald: Haynesworth Is Latest Belichick Failure

Wait since when did being a fat, lazy, locker room cancer that cost your team millions equate with failure?

ESPN.com: How We All Failed Fraizer

How the fuck is this my fault?

Yahoo! Sports: Soccer Career Over for Gadhafi’s Son Al-Saadi

Boo-Fucking-Hoo!

SportingNews.com: Tiger Deserves Credit for Taking High Road

I am going to assume that Tiger’s high road is paved with strippers and hookers…

MLB.com: Cubs Managerial Job a Win-Win

This is what it looks like when sports journalists switch to crack.

Thanks for stopping by and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...
Bearcat

Running Diary Steelers v. Ravens

2011-11-07T04:48:33Z

Welcome back to the DSB Running Diary. The last time this shit show appeared on DSB was back in January of when the Steelers played the Ravens in the playoffs and swept them across three games during the 2010-2011 season. Expect the usual from DSB over the next few hours, dick jokes, inside jokes, no insight, extreme homerism, Yinzer crap, and long stretches of time where nothing happens.

Terrell Suggs is ready for the game... (seriously I think he looks like this.)

7:51 I have just read a report that the Ravens have welcomed a drifter into the locker room and are ritually stabbing him as a pre-game warm up.

7:52 Confirmed: ZJ will again continue his impressive streak of refusing to write anything for this website.

7:55 I expect that Hall of Famer and Patron Saint of the Goal Line Stand Dick LeBeau is currently tasking his defensemen with performing various sexual assaults on Flacco. I am going to assume that the Penn State Sandusky grand jury leaks are the blue print.

7:57 And NBC shows Ray-Ray screaming gibberish at a semi-circle of angry men for the first time tonight. This is what football people call “leadership.” Looked to me like he just spent five minutes asking “WHAT TIME IS IT!?!?!?!”

8:18 Still have yet to hear this game described as a “Two Chin Strap Game…” what gives cliché driven TV sports people?

8:21 Would be nice if Faith Hill also called the President a Nazi… Killing off that crappy song would be pretty nice.

8:25 Flacco’s unibrow… nice to know that some things never change.

8:31 Thank God I saw that flag before Ray Rice went off to the races or else I would be breaking everything in my house. Typical Raven penalty.

8:33 Michael Oher gets his introduction. Insert “No he is saving me” movie quote here for Max Power.

8:38 If I was Ike Taylor I would throw magnets at Boldin’s face and see if any of them stick to that metal used to reconstruct his face.

8:41 Baltimore kicks for three after Ray Rice bitches about the refs having a quick whistle. Got to give it to these referees, they make calls against these Ravens even though they have to figure most of that 53 man roster is packing switch blades. 3-0 Ratbirds

8:45 Text from ZJ: NBC plays David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” going into commercial. Perfect for a Raven’s game.

8:50 NBC shows Ray-Ray coaching up his defense on the side-line… looked like he was offing the Corry Redding a blowjob.

8:58 Steelers finally get a stop on 3^rd down. 40 yards out Cundiff misses it wide. 100% chance he grew up being called Cunt-diff.

9:08 Ray-Ray head hunting on a tackle against Hines… I am going to assume that Goodell will be sending Ray-Ray a check for that illegal hit. Probably some of James Harrison’s fine money.

9:10 Ravens challenge the catch by Ward that took about 5 weeks off his life. The only way that is not a catch is because Ray-Ray was headhunting and he concussed him midair. But you can’t throw the flag now. This is horseshit.

9:13 Overturned the call of a catch. This is garbage. I am pissed.

9:14 Sushi ties it at 3 all.

9:15 If I buy a Toyota Camry I have to put up with Chris Berman in my car? That does not sound like a selling point. Listening to him will make me want to drive it off a cliff.

9:17 The Steelers defense should be screaming “Pull!” after every Flacco throw. They need to get some interceptions the guys is just tossing out dead ducks right now.

9:19 Ravens convert another third down. Apparently, the Steelers defense believes that they only need to play for two downs tonight.

9:23 43 yard kick good by Cunt-diff… 6-3 Ratbirds.

9:27 Cory Redding clearly motivated by the Ray-Ray BJ just nails Mendenhall in the back field. Steelers really need to unleash Ben and just throw deep. Where is Mike Wallace? Attending the Andy Rooney funeral?

9:29 And finally Ben throws to Wallace but the pass broken up. I should have made that joke 15 minutes earlier.

9:34 Al Michaels calls the Steelers the “hump team.” This is less funny than Joe Buck saying the ball was “fisted” but it is pretty good none the less.

9:50 Another FG… Sushi for three. 6-6 with just over a minute on the clock. This game has dragged to a crawl.

9:52 Harrison touched Flacco and got a nice sack. That will cost him 50K from Mr. Goodell.

9:54 Ryan Clack makes the same hit on a Raven that Ray-Ray did on Hines and that results in both a flag and Collinsworth’s unending contempt. I hate these guys… I am talking about NBC sports.

9:58 Luck for some, a bullshit call was reversed and Boldin did not catch the ball. If that was not overturned I would have started killing midgets by tossing them into heavy traffic.

10:01 Cunt-diff hits a 51 yard FG to make it 9-6 at the half. Now for NBC and Joe Rogan to scream at me for 60 seconds and tell me to watch people get thrown from moving vehicles and eat live bugs for an insanely small amount of cash compared to the humiliation.

10:21 After building a great drive… and Suggs intercepts. I wish I was drinking. This is insane.

10:29 Collinsworth makes the stupid claim that “I’m not sure if these teams even care what the score is. I think they just want to beat each other on the field.” WTF does that even mean? All they care about is score board. They are trying to win the game dumbass.

10:35 Collinsworth is clearly on the Ravens payroll.

10:36 Ray Rice drives the ball into the endzone and drives Collinsworth to orgasm. 16-6 Ravens.

10:46 The Dance Troop that is the Baltimore Ravens are showing a great deal of restraint this game. Very little Krumping.

10:50 Text from ZJ: “I hope that little pissant Ray Rice gets a cleat in his fucking throat.“ Could not agree more.

10:52 Ben scrambles for the end zone and Collinsworth gleefully cheers for the video to overrule the call on the field. 1^st and goal with half a yard to go.

10:56 Mendenhall drives the ball in off the tackle and scores the TD. 16-13 with 14+ minutes left in the game.

10:57 Text from ZJ: “I hope the polar ice caps melt just so they stop making those annoying Happy Feet movies.” Not sure but he might think those were filmed on location. I am fairly certain he has had enough to drink tonight to make that possible.

11:00 Harrison beats down a double team for the sack … and Foote with a stop brings up the always dangerous 3^rd and long… holding my breath.

11:02 And the Ravens convert… I feel like I have seen this game before. It does not end well.

11:05 3^rd and 5… and they convert again. This is the failure that will lead to the loss.

11:07 3^rd and long again… And a fumble!!! William GAY!!! We are all GAY!!! Going to be honest I thought that drive was going to be the nail in the coffin.

11:11 Cotchery just made a great heads up catch to keep the momentum going with the Black & Gold. Need a touchdown on this drive. May not see the ball again.

11:15 That was a typical Ben TD… scrambles, buys time nails Wallace in the end zone. 20-16 and the Steelers take the lead for the first time. Collinsworth gives a forced laugh to pretend like he is happy to see the lead shift but in reality we all know that he is thrashing the TV booth.

11:20 Time for Hall of Famer Patron Saint of the TAInt Dick LeBeau to unleash his Defense. I hope Dick demands the head of Flacco on a plate for his post-game meal. Harrison will deliver.

11:21 Three and out in less than 90 seconds!!! Steelers collect the ball at the 46 yard line. Collinsworth is currently out gathering hookers for Ray-Ray to copulate with then stab Marquise de Sade style.

11:25 Cotchery with a huge catch. He should get a game ball. Why was this Cotchery not scoring with the Jets when he was on my shitty fantasy football teams? He as exhibit #2 on my Lee Evans Do Not Draft list. /Copy Rights “Lee Evans Do Not Draft List”

11:29 Delay of game leads to punt over FG attempt? This is the shit that comes back to bite a team…

11:31 Flacco always looks like he is waiting around for his laundry to dry. Does he even have a pulse? Would you be happy to have him this detached?

11:36 4^th and 1 at midfield… I wish I had a bottle of Jameson. I would drink all of it.

11:37 Boldin converts and two plays later a wide open Torrey Smith blows a deep pass in the endzone. /Three drops of pee leak out.

11:39 Time Out Pittsburgh: i.e. Defense is gassed. This is not good.

11:41 Torrey Smith with the touchdown… and now the Krumping starts. Ravens are dancing all over the sidelines. This is horrible. Defense is to blame the failure to stop anything on 3^rd down especially at the end is what killed the Steelers. Thank you and good night.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

Indecison 2011: Joe Paterno

2011-09-21T18:00:00Z

JoePa has been dogged by reporters recently for being indecisive about the quarterback situation at Penn State and barely edging out a victory over an unranked doormat like Temple did not help things. At his Tuesday press conference Joe was asked repeatedly about who would be the starting quarterback for this weekend’s game against Eastern Michigan and he responded, "I don't know what I'm going to do. I think both of those kids are so close and both of those kids deserve to play."

DSB was wondering…what other things is JoePa unsure of? We were lucky enough to sit down and have five minutes of the legendary Penn State coach's time to ask the questions we ~~wanted~~ demanded be answered.

DSB: Eggs, do you like them?

JoePa: You know eggs are nice as a breakfast food but they have so much cholesterol...on the other hand they have that Omega-3 stuff that is good for ya. Anyone got some Ensure?

DSB: Playboy or Penthouse?

JoePa: Now Playboy has some nice girls in there and I like that they have a wholesome look to them sometimes while obviously still being whores. Penthouse used to show peeing which was great when you wanted to move outside the pocket, you know, your comfort zone but recently they dialed it back. I think they both deserve to be my "go to" material.

DSB: Ginger or Mary Ann?

JoePa: You know Ginger was quite the fox and Mary Ann was a bad girl just dying to get out but don’t overlook Mrs. Howell. Remember...the older the berry, the sweeter the juice.

DSB: Blondes or brunettes?

JoePa: I wish you people would stop asking me when I am going to retire…I don’t know. I don’t really think about.

DSB: To give or receive?

JoePa: Ya know, when I was growing up basketball was a Jew game.

DSB: Favorite holiday?

JoePa: New Years Day…I like the rest and really these days I am planning on being off work which is nice. Christmas is kinda a pain in the ass since I got these grandkids all over the place running around and what not. Fourth of July is good and all but really it is just as adequate as Flag Day which is like the forgotten holiday. I would go with Flag Day but really all the holidays deserve a chance.

DSB: Coke or Pepsi?

JoePa: I don’t like this New Coca-Cola. The old Coke had real zing to it. Then they took the coke out of Coke which is really the dumbest thing they could have done. I would like Pepsi but I always feel like the TV ads are yelling at me. So either or…you know.

DSB: Nike or Adidas?

JoePa: Who gives a sh…

JoePa’s Assistant: (cutting his boss off) Mr. Paterno loves Nike and believes that it provides the finest athletic footwear and that the Nike Pro Combat uniforms are a fantastic addition to NCAA Football.

DSB: Turf or Natural Grass?

JoePa: You know I never really thought about it until I got run over for the 35th time on the sidelines this year…that turf we use on our practice field does not give when you hit it. But the grass tends to have too much dew on it for the morning practice. I don’t like dew. I mean even the word sounds strange…dew…dew. But whadda I know?

DSB: Do you have a favorite mode of transportation?

JoePa: This golf cart is starting to grow on me…but they will not let me leave the stadium with it. I would take it everywhere. I'm also a big fan of burros. Burros are a fine way to travel because if you want to get somewhere they can take you and also carry your things. Either a burro or a golf cart...I really can’t decide, but I am sure we will have a decision by game day.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Breaking down Brian Kelly’s Fucking Press Conference

2011-09-07T01:57:20Z

Here is what Brian Kelly would really be telling the media during his Tuesday press conference if the cameras and tape recorders were not rolling:

(On changing Quarterbacks) Tommy Fuckin’ Rees will start at quarterback because Dayne Crist throws the fucking ball like a shit eating faggot.

I did not realize there were 50 fuckin’ cameras watching my ever fuckin’ move during that cluster fuck of a game we played on Saturday… if I had known that some piece of shit producer at ABC was going to slow-mo every fuckin’ thing I said on the side line I would have said fuck a little fuckin’ less…. Fuck.

Fucking-shit-mother-fucking-fuckity-fuck-ass-licking-fuck

You are asking about my confidence going into Michigan next week? I’m fucking scared because my fuckin’ balls are this close to the fuckin’ bandsaw. Unless you forgot I coach for the fuckin’ Irish and they fire coaches for fun around here.

(On Punter Ben Turk’s crappy punting) You think I am worried about the fuckin’ punter? Christ he is the guy. Its not like I am stock piling punters around this fucking place.

(On his side line behavior) Did I fucking punch some asshole player for fucking up my debut? No. Did I strike someone? What the fuck are you specifically referring to you cock sucking reporter. Are you a Fucking Purdue alum you faggot?

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...

Bearcat

Advice for Pat Summitt

2011-08-24T15:30:00Z

DSB reached out to Al Davis for some advice to Pat Summitt as she begins her battle with dementia. Thankfully, Al was willing to offer some advice and counsel to a fellow sports heavyweight.

So Pat… ESPN tells me you got a terminal case of dementia. Some will tell you that this will make you weaker, that you can’t still run the show, and that your decision making is compromised. Hooey!

/nurse wipes drool from chin

This will make you stronger. You will be unpredictable! They will never see it coming. Just like my Raiders your Women’s Volunteers Basketball team will be impossible to scout. No one will ever know what your next move is… EVEN YOU! It is the ultimate surprise.

/eating breakfast burrito made completely of embryonic stem cells

NCAA rules can be shredded with impunity. You no longer have to live by the rules if you can’t remember them. Bruce Pearl would kill to have your gift. Now you can pay your players and never have to worry about testifying under oath or anything. Your mind will erase every bad decision, every mistake. You are an infallible sports god.

/soils track suit

In the later stages of our condition an individual will exhibit: Impulsivity, ‘thoughtless’ comments and socially inappropriate behavior. Sounds like a blank check to me. I know you have been just dying to kick Geno Auriemma in the jewels at center court for years… now is your chance. Without repercussions!

/turns on TV and begins watching a snuff film

Want to use an immigrant worker as a foot stool like me? Do it. Want to draft a woefully immature, petulant QB with wildly bad accuracy but blazing speed at least three rounds too early in the supplemental draft just to show everyone that you are still in charge? Go for it. Nothing is not within your grasp now. Enjoy the ride while it last because later this afternoon you will be wandering the street in nothing but a bed sheet asking for mustard on a skateboard.

Just win baby,
Al Davis

Jerry Meals (yeah that asshole) visits Pittsburgh’s Children’s Hospital

2011-08-17T01:33:53Z

Jerry Meals (Yeah that asshole) visits Pittsburgh’s Children’s Hospital

Dejan Kovacevic, sports columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune Review tweeted today that Jerry F-ing Meals visited the Pittsburgh Children’s Hospital before taking his post behind home plate for tonight’s Cardinals/Pirates game. DSB spared no expense (Thank you TheSportsBurger.com) and hired an private detective to report back from Meals’ visit.

Meals: Morning kids. I brought you some stuffed bears from Major League Baseball.

Cancer Stricken Kid: Are you a baseball player?

Meals: No, actually I’m an umpire.

CSK: Did I lose Make a Wish?

Meals: No, Chris Connelly said that ESPN was done with this year's My Wish and that I did not have any “TV appeal.” Whatever that is…

CSK: Wait are you *cough* the guy that screwed the Pirates?

/Meals grabs kid by the arm

Meals: I called the play as I saw it… He ole-ed him!

CSK: My dad says that you were tired and wanted to go to bed. Sometimes my chemo makes me tired but I push through. Why… *cough, cough* Why did you quit doing your job just because you were tired?

Meals: Listen you little cancer riddled rug rat, let’s see you call a game after seven hours. Your jaundiced eyes would go cross!

CSK: My only dream was to see the Pirates get a winning season before my little body succumbs to this *cough* terminal cancer and your call ruined the season. My team will never win.

Meals: Hey, don’t lay your sob story on me. I just call it like I see it. I don’t need your bullshit.

/checks CSK’s medical chart

Meals: You have four more weeks kid... Max. Safe to say that you were never going to see the Buccos be winners or even relevant. You just got a hard lesson in reality. Here is your stuffed bear with a baseball glove now smile for the camera so that I can get out of here. Let's wrap it up...I need to take a nap before tonight’s game.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...

Bearcat