On Saturday night, Auburn's Cam Newton won the 2010 Heisman Trophy in overwhelming fashion over Andrew Luck and LaMichael James. In accepting the award, Newton read from a prepared speech he pulled out of his inside jacket pocket. But only DSB can crack the mind of a mental midget such as Newton; and we have a breakdown of what he was really thinking during key moments of his scripted words:
*DSB analysis in blue italics

Oh my God. Oh my God. First, giving all the honor and glory to God, who is the head of my life.
God is the head of his life because God got him 500K from Auburn boosters while his dad was only pulling for $150,000 from Ole Miss…

Without him we would not even be here right now … so thank you for that.
Thanks again God… that half a mill really came in handy.

I also would like to thank my beautiful mother Jackie Newton and my father. This …
[Crowd member: "WE LOVE YOU CAM!"] Cam pretends to cry but can’t get any tears going…

Thank you, Thank you. My parents do a lot of things behind the scenes that go unnoticed,
Other than just trying to cash in on your talents? Shit, were they buying you steroids as well?

and this is not an award that in my opinion has been won by my play this year. This is an award that was won when I came out your womb. Thank you for everything you did for me.
The award should have been presented to Mamma Cam Newton’s Uterus… I would love to watch her fallopian tubes strike the Heisman pose.

I’d also like to thank my coaches and my players. Coach Chizik.
My players… not teammates. They are my players. Also thank you to Coach Chizik for looking the other way while I cashed in.

I’d also like to thank the troops overseas that’s fighting for our freedom every single day.
Someone told me to say this. While they fight they protect my ability to pilfer college property

Honestly from the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving me the chance.
After royally screwing up at Florida by "buying" stolen laptops and cheating on tests I am so glad that my on the field talents made everyone overlook my lack of character.

Thank you for everything that you’ve done. Coach Chizik, coach Malzahn, coach Troop. Thank you to the Auburn family for all the support you’ve given me in these trying times.
By "support" I mean large bags of money…

Thank you to the Heisman Trust and all these Heisman winners.
This will totally help me get more large bags of money…

And also I want to give a special thanks to my teammates. Without those guys I wouldn’t be here getting this recognition.
Although without me you would be finishing DFL in the SEC and you know it!

Who would’ve ever thought a person from College Park, Georgia would get an award with such prestige and tradition?
Umm… College Park Georgia has produced lots of famous and semi-famous people for a small town: Ludacris, Hawks Power Forward Josh Smith, Monica, and two NFL players, besides Cam’s brother and father: Keyaron Fox (Steelers) and Morgan Burnett (Packers)

I thank god every day for waking em up this morning and letting me play football. I apologize if I haven’t said your name.
If you had provided me large bags of money, more thank yous but I can’t say your name for obvious reasons…

And War Eagle.
Not as cool as a Fuck Lion…

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy's Sugar Ball...
Bearcat