The Jerk Store: The Mall Santa
 |
As loyal DSB readers are aware, I am a new dad. I have a five month old girl and while not drinking heavily to cope with this fact, I am trying to raise a little girl in a fashion that is both socially acceptable and keeps her from becoming a stripper or Lexi Belle. When December flipped over on the calendar Mrs. Bearcat asked me when we would be taking ‘lil Ms. Bearcat to meet Santa Claus. (Meet him? Why, so that she can throw up on him? I thought) Excellent idea.
So naturally we went out and purchased a little red velvet dress with black patent leather shoes. My daughter looked cute as a button and was ready to have her picture taken with the local mall Santa. I do not consider myself to be a professional photographer by any stretch of the imagination but given the state of new digital technologies by camera makers I can crank out some damn fine pictures. As we prepare to stand in line for the Santa visit I start to set up my midrange Canon point and shoot camera when suddenly Mrs. Bearcat points to a sign next to me titled "Pictures with Santa Packages." They ranged in cost from 20 dollars at the low end to over a hundred bucks. I quickly glanced at the sign and simply smiled and pointed to my camera. Mrs. Bearcat, who has an eye for detail, then pointed to the boiler plate language at the bottom of the sign that I had conveniently ignored which stated that all types of photography were "strictly forbidden beyond this point."
Now I have a problem with authority. I also have a problem with things like "strictly forbidden" and barriers like "beyond this point." My wife know this. I immediately pull out my collapsible, travel-sized soap box and start railing about the cost of having the Mall Santa’s pizza faced Elves taking the pictures. "I am NOT paying 20 bucks for four wallets photos of that guy holding my daughter who in all likelihood will descend into a spiral of tears and spit up." And saying things like "Screw it! What are they going to do confiscate my camera?"
Mrs. Bearcat has a conscience and a belief in "the rules." So naturally this turned into an embarrassing situation where I was getting pissed off at the Mall Santa for fisting me sideways through my wallet and the wife was getting pissed off at me for deciding that the rules do not apply. We spent the next 20 minutes in line staring at each other with her unspoken disapproval and my "I am not shelling out money for THIS" crossed arms defense. ‘lil Ms. Bearcat spent the time chewing on her new shoe and foot with glee.
Now it is our turn. ‘lil Ms. Bearcat was an angel for Santa. I like having "relations" with my wife so naturally my Canon remained in my pocket and the traditional need to record for posterity every event in a first child’s life cost me 45 bucks. (But we need an 8X10!)
As for the Mall Santa, given my five month old’s natural lack of communication skills the "visit" lasted about as long as the free sample tray in front of Panda Express. One picture where she was showing zero emotion and BAM we are done. Could we even try to get her to smile? For this Mall Santa, you are stuck shelling out coal for the next eighteen days in the Jerk Store.
Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy's Sugar Ball...
Bearcat
Posted by Bearcat at 12/7/2010 3:00 PM 
Categories: Jerk Store
Tags: Mall Santa Santa mall elves Jerk Store
Categories: Jerk Store
Tags: Mall Santa Santa mall elves Jerk Store
Comments