Lessons From An Amateur Father
As a new father I will occasionally drop a new post talking about the experiences (i.e. failures) and things I learn on the job in the process of raising Lil' Ms. Bearcat. Here are my ramblings as I try not to screw up at being a father.
• I hope whoever the people are that put buttons on baby clothing die an awfully painful death and burn in hell for all eternity. Seriously, they should all have their fingers cut off and then thrown from the windows of whatever sweatshop they use to make those button-laden baby cloths. I have fingers that are not conductive to fine precision work. Need me to swing a sledge? Done. Thread a needle? Expect lots of swearing and me eventually stabbing myself in the hand. So why would designers put very tiny delicate little button on infant clothes? Snaps or Velcro. I don’t want to deal with this epic struggle. Also Lil' Ms. Bearcat does not have the patience to watch as her father fumbles getting her dressed.
• Watching football is impossible. One you can’t get through a quarter without one of the baby’s bodily functions needing attention. Projectile vomit, exploding diaper, snot rocking out of her nose. Sometimes all of these at once. The ideal football watching scenario is for Lil' Ms. Bearcat to fall asleep in my arms. This is comforting. But God help me if the Troy Polamalu rips some poor SOB quarterback’s head off. No cheering. It will awaken the baby and surely cause immediate shaming from the wife.
• You always see in movies how having a baby is a total chick magnet. This is ABSOLUTELY TRUE! Carrying Lil' Ms. Bearcat around immediately means that women will crawl over broken glass to be near a cute baby. It is pretty clear that having a baby communicates to other women that 1. This guy was at least decent enough for another member of the gender to copulate with and therefore his is not a complete asshole and 2. If he has a cute baby then that means he can impregnate me with a cute baby. Is this a narrow and sexist way of looking at this phenomena? Yes. Will I rescind or apologize for it? No.
• I have started a list of things I plan to teach my children even though these lessons will not be met with approval from Ms. Bearcat or most of society. I think these are all important skills for today’s youth.
- Pencil Fighting: Hint: always chose a Ticonderoga.
- How to properly heckle
- You actually can judge a book by its cover if the “book” is a dirty hippy.- Being able to quote The Simpsons, The Big Lebowski and Monty Python is a essential life skill.
- Why we should distrust the entire state of California
- Snarkiness is akin to Godliness.- The Internet and TV are our friends. Never let anyone talk poorly of our friends.- Taking shit apart is fun. (Taking dad’s stuff apart is seriously detrimental to your heath)
- That it is perfectly acceptable to point and laugh
Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...
Bearcat
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