A Guide to Heckling
Today is the first day of the rest of your life as a sports fan. Today we venture into the sordid and potentially violent world of heckling.
This post stinks!
While heckling is often frowned upon by civilized sports fans and those that have bought into the whole “family” experience of attending a sporting event; we know better. You bought a ticket to the event and paid your hard earned dollars for the experience. Hell, you are the 12th Man, the home court advantage and the hostile environment for visitors. You are part of the game these days. It is your duty as a sports fan to make the visiting team's game day as horrifying as possible.
As a long time heckler, I will be guiding through some tips on how to achieve the highest degree of predatory fandom. Here is a quick rundown:
Doing Your Homework
My desk as I prepare to attend my niece's under 10 soccer game...it's a divisional match up!
Just like before you paint, you have to tape off the edges and wipe down the walls; before you can become a cerebral assassin, you need to do your prep work. You need to review your seating position and then determine who is your target. Is he a superstar? Is he a guy with a max contract that has been sidelined with injuries and never lived up to that 100 million dollar payday? Is he a journeyman who looks like he is going through the motions? Always remember that there is never a player that is outside the scope of your venomous rants.
While researching your target be sure to do a full Google search. Where did he grow up? Where did he attend college? Are there stories regarding his failures in high school or college? How many illegitimate children has he fostered? What charities does he endorse? Does he have a crippling contract? Are there naked pictures of his wife on TMZ or any other embarrassing photos? (Thank you Google Images) Was he traded or cut from another team? And finally (these two are extremely important) what kind of stats is he putting up and does he have a criminal record ?
All of this is relevant information for you as you prepare for game time. You would not go to a tailgate without beer so why would you go to a game without a complete dossier on potential targets?
Location, Location, Location
Where to sit? If it a basketball game you want to be in the front row. Location beyond that has diminishing returns. No one said practicing your trade was cheap. While sitting directly behind the bench would provide for constant trashing of opponents, it would also result in a swift ejection by security (the death penalty to any heckler). Ideally, you want to work near areas for the inbound pass. This provides for excellent opportunities to denigrate the player over the course of several seconds while he tries to inbound the ball. In baseball, the outfield can get you near a player for minutes at a time while the innings drag on. If you are lucky, your defamation of the bum in left field might provide for some banter with your target. In football you want the front row between the 40s on the visitors' side. Hockey you need the second row next to the penalty box so you can scream at the freshly penalized players through the cracks in the corner…Always fun.
Targets
Any sporting event is a target rich environment for the professional heckler. Do you attack the phenom with the max contract or do you needle the aging veteran playing his way out of the league? Do you go after the hotheads like Milton Bradley or Ron Artest? Or do you focus on the men in black since the refs who are always fun to pick on? Whoever you pick, just remember that as a ticket holder it is your right to call them a bum to your heart's content.
While you should attack all players with impunity, it is best to pick your battles wisely. The third string QB is an easy target while holding that clipboard, but his value to the heckler is minimal. It is important to remember that your verbal tirades have real influence and therefore should be used against players actually seeing the field of battle.
Insults
Couple of pointers because I can’t write these for you…that is half the fun. Insulting their position is a good way to warm up but frankly they have heard it all before. Racism is generally a bad idea. This is for lazy, unoriginal hecklers and fans from Boston. You are better than this.
Questioning a players sexuality is completely on the table and, as far as I am concerned, encouraged. In a machismo-centric culture like sports, calling a player's manhood into question is fair game. However, it is best to use the more subtle ways in order to let him know you think he likes showering with his teammates a little too much.
Is the guy looking bulked up? Try taking the PED accusation route? In 2010, no one is above reproach on this one. Ask him about his backne or how the cycle is affecting his ability to satisfy the road beef.
Reminding him of that botched play in the last inning is always a strong point. Don’t let him forget that he screwed up and cost his team an opportunity.
I like to treat my heckling like a conversation in which I totally wreck the other guy's shit. Answer your own questions. Have a complete back and forth with your target. Eventually, and completely against his will, he will be sucked into your twisted psychological game. The mental midgets that play sports in the 21st century can’t help themselves.
Welcome Others
Don't quit until the police bring out the water cannons and the rubber bullets...
If you are picking on a player and it starts to work, suddenly your fellow lowbrow fans will sense the blood in the water and begin the feeding frenzy. This is a good thing. Once the crowd turns on a guy, this can only help.
Finally, have fun. That is why you are there...to enjoy your day in the sun at the expense of some overpriced meat head. So make sure you take the time to actually have fun.
Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat
Posted by Bearcat at 5/27/2010 10:00 AM 
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: Ron Artest Fights JaMarcus Russell Talking Trash PEDs Milton Bradley Heckling Mendoza Line Sports Brady Quinn Roids Mob Riots Bearcat Middle Finger Kid Road Beef
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: Ron Artest Fights JaMarcus Russell Talking Trash PEDs Milton Bradley Heckling Mendoza Line Sports Brady Quinn Roids Mob Riots Bearcat Middle Finger Kid Road Beef
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