Breaking down Tiger's statement
By now you probably have watched the Tiger Woods’ non-press conference press conference and there is going to be dissection of every word and phrase Tiger speaks. But only DSB can crack the mind of a mental midget such as Tiger; and we have a breakdown of what he was really thinking during key moments of his scripted apology:
*DSB analysis in read italics
Is that a camera shutter? I will have you killed... All it takes is some cash. I will do it.
"Everyone of you has reason to be critical of me."
I was told that I needed to apologize to everyone even though the only people that need an apology are my family. Yeah, I should be sorry for what I did to my wife, her family, my kids and my mom but I don’t really feel bad about what I did to you people. I have complete and utter distain for the press and the public. That will never change. If I hear one camera shutter during this press conference my caddy will smash it to pieces.
"I am deeply sorry for the irresponsible and selfish behavior I have engaged in."
I am deeply sorry that I got caught having crazy sex with the world's craziest women. The stories that have come out are really embarrassing. But damn, that shit was fun!
"I have let you down. I have let down my fans."
The PR guy over there says I did this. Not sure how me having sex with crazy white women let anyone down, but whatever.
"I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated."
You already know this; and now to give a pained expression… damn that was hard.
"I was wrong. I was foolish."
I should have picked only women who knew how to keep their mouths shut. While only 10% of these whores talked, it was that 10% that are killing my career.
"My real apology to [Elin] will not come in the form of words, it will come in the form of my behavior over time."
And money… lots and lots of money.
"Elin never hit me that night or any other night."
I am lying to so that I can pay her less money.
"Elin has enormous grace and poise."
She did not kill me.
'I still believe that it is right to shield my family from the spotlight. They did not do these things. I did.'
I am hiding behind my family… I am totally ok with using them as human shields against the press. Nothing is beneath me at this point.
"I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy the temptations around me."
I am worth an insane amount of money and that means I can do whatever the hell I want. If you were this rich, you would do it too. When you are worth a billion dollars you can do anything. A fellow billionaire friend of mine told me that after so long only snuff films and killing a man could get his soldier to attention. Viagra ain’t got shit on that stuff.
"I do plan to return to golf one day. I don't know when that will be. I don't rule out that it will be this year."
I am going to now focus all my energy on destroying every golfer in my path. Within two weeks of my return I am going to shoot a 49 on a par 72. I will murder all comers. I am not kidding. Don’t even think I am not still gunning for your Jack! I will never lose another major. I will fist pump my way to glory... this is mearly a speed bump on my way to a perfect PGA tour season.
Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...
Bearcat
*DSB analysis in read italics
Is that a camera shutter? I will have you killed... All it takes is some cash. I will do it.
"Everyone of you has reason to be critical of me."
I was told that I needed to apologize to everyone even though the only people that need an apology are my family. Yeah, I should be sorry for what I did to my wife, her family, my kids and my mom but I don’t really feel bad about what I did to you people. I have complete and utter distain for the press and the public. That will never change. If I hear one camera shutter during this press conference my caddy will smash it to pieces.
"I am deeply sorry for the irresponsible and selfish behavior I have engaged in."
I am deeply sorry that I got caught having crazy sex with the world's craziest women. The stories that have come out are really embarrassing. But damn, that shit was fun!
"I have let you down. I have let down my fans."
The PR guy over there says I did this. Not sure how me having sex with crazy white women let anyone down, but whatever.
"I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated."
You already know this; and now to give a pained expression… damn that was hard.
"I was wrong. I was foolish."
I should have picked only women who knew how to keep their mouths shut. While only 10% of these whores talked, it was that 10% that are killing my career.
"My real apology to [Elin] will not come in the form of words, it will come in the form of my behavior over time."
And money… lots and lots of money.
"Elin never hit me that night or any other night."
I am lying to so that I can pay her less money.
"Elin has enormous grace and poise."
She did not kill me.
'I still believe that it is right to shield my family from the spotlight. They did not do these things. I did.'
I am hiding behind my family… I am totally ok with using them as human shields against the press. Nothing is beneath me at this point.
"I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy the temptations around me."
I am worth an insane amount of money and that means I can do whatever the hell I want. If you were this rich, you would do it too. When you are worth a billion dollars you can do anything. A fellow billionaire friend of mine told me that after so long only snuff films and killing a man could get his soldier to attention. Viagra ain’t got shit on that stuff.
"I do plan to return to golf one day. I don't know when that will be. I don't rule out that it will be this year."
I am going to now focus all my energy on destroying every golfer in my path. Within two weeks of my return I am going to shoot a 49 on a par 72. I will murder all comers. I am not kidding. Don’t even think I am not still gunning for your Jack! I will never lose another major. I will fist pump my way to glory... this is mearly a speed bump on my way to a perfect PGA tour season.
Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...
Bearcat
Posted by Bearcat at 2/19/2010 2:00 PM 
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: affair Elin Tiger Woods press conference
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: affair Elin Tiger Woods press conference
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