DSB Panel of Experts™ Football Picks! - Conference Championships
The Sheriff vs. Nacho
Breesus vs. The Gunslinger
The Fat Humps vs. Fireman Ed
Who Dat? vs. The Purple and Gold
Welcome to the NFL Final Four with a trip to Miami for Super Bowl XLIV on the line...who ya got? Don't call your bookie until you immerse yourself in the DSB Panel of Experts™ analysis and picks. Are you with me? LET'S DO THIS THING!
First up is ZJ...so get ready to swallow it all and love the tasteJets (+8) over COLTS
I haven’t seen or heard Indianapolis coach Jim Caldwell speak yet this season. I thought he was about to say something on the sidelines last week, but it turned out he just yawned. At the other end of the spectrum, you have Rex Ryan. I have to admit, I’m loving The Rex Ryan Era. He’s big, boisterous, cocksure, and harbors a love of sweater vests ... it’s like he’s the NFL’s answer to Bearcat. In fact, if Bearcat was coaching the Jets this weekend, I bet he’d be thinking along these lines …
“HOLY SHIT! Forth and 4 if we stop the Colts here were going to the SUPERBOWL!!! Okay, clam down Bearcat, you gotta be stone faced here, can’t let the boys see you panic. 47 seconds left and were up by 2. SWAGGER! Show some goddamn swagger here! Is Sanchez eating a hut dog again? WHAT THE FUCK!? Why did’nt he grab 1 for me? Fuck that dreamboat I hope he gets syphillus from all that sweet model and cheer leader ass he’s crushing…in forty7 seconds when we get into the lockerroom I’m going two fisted with the hut dogs but right now gotta focus on stopping Peyton. Should I bring the house against him? Fuck it, Revis can cover all the receivers by himself. Dear God Calvin Pace I want you to get in Manning’s face and give him the happy feet so overthrow receiver out bounds our ball kneel down confetti tunnel out of my way doublefisting HUT DOGS … mmm, hut dogs … okay Manning is coming to the line and barking our audibles Does he know how RIDICULOUS he looks when he does that. I mean SERIOUSLY! Aargh! Shit, not chest pains again not now okay hands on knees hands on knees that’s better. At least I don’t have to rely on goddamn kicker to win this game for us. I never really throught about before but I take the Lord’s name in vane alot, huh? Well good thing Mrs. Bearcat can’t hear my thoughts She would NOT be happy. By the way if we win, am I even going to recognize there coach to shake his hand? Which one is he? I better just go to midfield and let him find me and my sweet ass sweatervest.”The Pick: Colts 23, Jets 16
SAINTS (-4) over Vikings
Can someone tell the Saints’ PA announcer to please turn down the volume inside the Superdome? This isn’t a monster truck show, pal; I’m trying to watch a game here. Last weekend against the Cardinals, I couldn’t hear the refs or (God forbid) the Fox announcers because of the incessant, blaring, garbled warbling coming over the PA system inside the dome. Instead of insightful sideline tidbits from Tony Siragusa like, “The team who scores MORE today will win this game,” I was subjected to shot after shot of Fat Tony mouthing words I couldn’t hear with this as the soundtrack: “GARBLY-GARBLY-BRDDALLA-ROMPA-ROMPA-GIT-GITTY-GRBRALLA-GRBALLA HOOOOOO-DAT!!!!!” If you, dear reader, didn’t pick up on this last week, I’m sorry for ruining your viewing experience for this game. Maybe this week, the Saints’ media team can shoot fireworks at the Fox cameras as well. The Pick: Saints 31, Vikings 23
Do you know who's up next to blow your mind? That's right, it's the motherfucking Bearcat.
With only three games left in the NFL season time is running short before we are faced with the long sports wasteland that is the football off season. So with only two more chances for you to gamble away your hard earned money where better to turn than me, Bearcat for completely capricious and arbitrary gambling advice based mostly on deeply held prejudices and hatred for various players and fans.
COLTS (-8) over Jets
Last weekend I correctly predicted that the Cowboys bandwagon would crash in spectacular fashion unloading all those front runner Cowboy fans this week I am predicting the same thin for all those people jumping on the Jets bandwagon. A friend of mine from Long Island and a life long Giants fan said he was disappointed his fellow Giants fans for suddenly pulling out all kinds of Jets hats and shirts to "support" the local team. This kind of blatant team hopping should be banned. NY Giant fans can't suddenly be allowed to claim "The Jets have always been my AFC team." Fuck that. If you have selected the Giants as your team then you are stuck with them. Just because you have two home town teams does not mean you get to jump on which ever train is going the way you like. This disgusting display of bandwagon hopping will not go unpunished. Time for Rex Ryan and the dirty Mexican to get thrown out of the playoffs. Enjoy booing your draft pick again this year Jets fans... after this weekend that will be the next time anyone cares about this franchise. The Pick: Colts 27, Jets 17
SAINTS (-4) over Vikings
Toni Monkovic in a New York Times Fifth Down blog post actually asked if the Brett Favre story was being underplayed. This nearly made my head explode. Monkovic openly wonders if the angle of a 40 year old QB being one step away from the Superbowl is not getting enough press. The New York Times blogger even points us to where we can get our fix of reporters feltching Favre. I would rather spend the afternoon doorjamming than read any of this crap. After having to tolerate ESPN, Fox, CBS and Peter King making me feel like I'm playing catcher to Favre's pitcher since July I am no sure how anyone can call for more. Here's a question... Which is higher? The number of women Warren Beatty has bedded in his 72 years or the number of reporters who have lined up over Farve's career to worship him on their knees? I am guessing the latter. If the Vikings win this game and force me to listen to two weeks of Farve I might end up killing my TV. I don't want to do that. The Pick: Saints 30, Vikings 20
Strap it on...strap it down...just make sure you strap yourself in with Max Power and feel the Gs.
COLTS (+8) over Jets
Who lives in Indianapolis? Or maybe I should ask HOW do people live in Indianapolis? If you google famous restaurants in Indy - - Five Guys, White Castle, and Steak 'n Shake are listed prominently. Additional culinary claims to fame are Elephant Ears (picture a hybrid of the funnel cake and the pancake) and Sugar Pies. You may ask yourself like I did, "what the fuck is a sugar pie?" I have done some research and discovered it's like molasses in a pie crust. Seriously. The one "regular" restaurant residents and tourists always mention is the historic St. Elmo Steak House. Look at the menu for a minute. Now if you're Bearcat, you just booked a flight to Indianapolis...otherwise, you're probably wondering if every fifth visit gets you a discount for arterial cleaning or stomach stapling. How do these people live this way? How do they fit into the seats at Lucas Oil Stadium? I guess the trick is raising them properly when they're young. The Pick: Colts 27, Jets 13
Vikings (+4) over SAINTS
Sticking with our obsession over food and culinary contributions of the NFL playoff teams, let's look at the NFC matchup. New Orleans has brought us wonderful delicacies like po' boys, gumbo, and beignets. Minnesota? Fish on a stick. I kid you not. Now, I am of the firm belief that ANYTHING is better when it's on a stick. Corn dogs? Check. Candy Apples? Check. Fried cheese at the Farm Show? Check. But fish on a stick even freaks me out. Over the years it has become so popular at the State Fair, that Target Field (the Twins' new outdoor baseball park) is going to sell it there too. So what does it mean? I don't know...apparently, I'm just hungry. The Pick: Vikings 29, Saints 27
Bite the pillow, because Donnie Douche' is coming in dry.Jets (+8) over COLTSThe frigging Jets! They’re killing me! Everyone knows what they plan to do. They run the ball, then they run the ball, then they run the ball! Makes me want to run for some coffee! Me and the boys from DSB could do a better job against the run than what I have seen over the last two weeks! Rex Ryan is annoying! Mark Sanchez is a bum! Braylon Edwards sucks! The Jets have one thing going for them and that is Shonn Greene and the offensive line creating a running game! The Ravens won a Super Bowl with this type of team. I couldn’t stand this style of football then and I hate it now. This defense is great! Rex has to be given credit. . .or does he? Maybe the credit should be given to Buddy Ryan! This man was a genius with defenses and passed on his knowledge to his bumbling oaf of a son! The Colts could be in trouble with this game! They have great outside speed rushers. How do you counter a speed rush?! Run the ball! What do the Jets do?! Do I really need to tell you? For the third week in a row I, Donnie Douche’, will tell you how to stop the Jets. MAKE THEM THROW THE BALL! I hope Indy is listening because if this Jets team gets to the big game, I may have to commit hari-kari! Since I have been so right in the past about the Jets, I will go with my gut and flip the pick! The Pick: I love Indy to run away with this one so the pick is Indy to win but the Jets keep it close 19-13!
SAINTS (-4) over Vikings
The great one plays on so let’s all suck him off! I am so sick and tired of Brett Favre! He is a good quarterback! He is not great! He has been lucky enough to play for a long time behind great offensive lines that have not gotten him beat up over the years! His stats are gaudy only because of longevity! Here is a great Favre stat for you:
- In 289 games Brett Favre has thrown 317 interceptions. That is 1.1 pick per game! That Sucks!
| ZJ | 3-5 (0-4) |  |  |
| Bearcat | 3-5 (1-3) |  | |
| Max Power | 4-4 (1-3) | |  |
| Donnie Douche' | 2-6 (1-3) | | |
Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy's Sugar Ball...
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