DSB Panel of Experts™ Football Picks!
Between now and kickoff at 4:30 on Saturday afternoon, there are only 5 things you have to do...
1. Re-mortgage the house
2. Cash out what's left in your 401K
3. Withdraw everything from your kids' college funds
4. Follow our advice
5. Call your bookie immediately!
First up, we have the consummate leadoff hitter ZJ...get on all fours because ZJ is going to rock your world!Jets (+3) over BENGALS
If you were paying attention, there are two things I feel confident saying that we all learned from these two teams this year:
1) I think we’re all starting to realize that USC turns out the best backup QBs in the world. Lofty backups. Arizona realizes this, so why don’t these two teams? The problem here is that the Bengals’ and Jets’ Southern Cal quarterbacks are forced to start. That’s no way to win in the NFL.
2) If you want to be a productive NFL running back, play for the Chicago Bears for a few seasons. I theorize that playing behind that offensive line forces RBs to be better, stronger, faster … but the budding bionic-ness doesn’t show up for several years. For example, did you know that Cedric Benson developed more fast-twitch muscle tissue in order to survive those first few years in Chicago? It’s true. Not only is he faster now than when he came in the league, but he can now also pick up yards after contact, which, if you saw him in a Bears uniform, you knew was a near impossibility. And Thomas Jones? It’s common knowledge that he grew a third eye in Chicago for improved field vision. And that’s just a natural evolutionary survival mechanism. That’s a fact.
The Pick: Jets 20, Bengals 13
COWBOYS (-4) over Philadelphia
I bet Bearcat rips into Eagle fans somewhere in his rant about this game. He hates Eagle fans. Hates ‘em! Like Detroit strippers hate Canadian money-type of hate. Suffice it to say, he loathes the entire Philadelphia organization. If he were here right now, he’d call it a “horseshit franchise.” He likes to use that word – “horseshit.” In fact, when he’s staring blankly at the TV on Saturday with his mouth slightly agape, his inner monologue will sound like this:
“I can’t stand the Eagels and there horseshit fans … what a terible, terrable organization ... WHAT ARE THOSE FANS EVEN ROOTING FOR!?! They’re not gonna win, they never ANYTHING!! I’ll tell you what their rooting for – crippling injury! that’s all those Eagle fans want see is devestating injuries I need another beer at least this game is being played in Dallas in that huge stadium that Jenny Jones built and its massive video screen IT’S AWESOME I WANT ONE!! … is it too early to bust out the Jameson? … Although not quite as bad as Eagle fans, Cowboy fans are annoying too they are such front runners, its ridiculus … mmm, I could go for some peanuts … I have one thing to say to you Cowboy fans and that’s SIX RINGS, BABY!!! They don’t call it SIXBURGH for nothing!! You can’t make a funny name like that out of Dallas, can you? CAN YOU!? What would you call it “SIX-LAS”?? More like “DICK-LAS!” HA HA!! Well you only won five so it’d be more like FIVE-LAS. That’s stupid. Whatever. WE HURT PEOPLE! Fuck, I can’t believe the Steelers shit the bed this year … ooh, cheerleaders … holy shit, at least this game features two of my favorite cheer leading squads I am so gonna paw at Mrs. Bearcat when I get home like a salmon trying to swim upstream …"The Pick: Cowboys 31, Eagles 20
Ravens (+3.5) over PATRIOTS
Unlike the other three contests this weekend, the Ravens and Patriots haven’t met since all the way back in 2009, when lists of the decade’s bests were all the fad and games in 3-D HD were just a pipe dream. Not to show my age, but I can still recall some of that old-timey pigskin match-up from yesteryear. Man, those were the days! I remember when my buddies and I would go to a local watering hole (the kids these days call it a “bar”) to watch the N.F.L. (“football”) on television sets not too different from your newfangled picture machines. Back in those days (“October”), teams wouldn’t rest their starters (“lay down”) to avoid injury; all the games were significant! Heck, these here New England Patriots had a starting wide receiver who was no bigger than 5’5” (“Welker”) who would zig here and zag there and run all over the field catching wacky forward passes from none other than the Great Sir Thomas Edward Brady, Jr., Esq. (“Prima Donna”). Of course, playing your starters sometimes did leave the door open to devastating injury, like it did with that little receiver (“kayoed”). Hmmph … he didn’t play much after that (“irony”). The Pick: Ravens 26, Patriots 21
Packers (+1) over CARDINALS
Okay, enough of the fluff. It’s time for some hard-hitting, expert playoff football analysis. Let’s look deep inside the numbers. To begin, does anyone know when Kurt Warner’s deal with the devil expires? I’m sure he signed some sort of contract in Trent Green’s blood, and thus it has to contain language that specifies x amount of years. I surmise that the contract may be expiring soon because of all the injuries that the Cards are suffering. Frankly, I’m amazed that Larry Fitzgerald hasn’t fallen into an alligator pit yet. Maybe Satan’s saving that for game day? On paper, Arizona’s decimated defense can’t stop the Packers’ offense, right? If that’s the case, will Satan re-sign Warner or let him go as an unrestricted free agent? On the other hand, this could mean that this is Warner’s walk year with Lucifer, and he’ll want to put up big numbers in hopes of signing another lucrative deal. So what’s it all mean? Analysis is hard! The Pick: Packers 28, Cardinals 20
Next up we have Bearcat...fortunately we were able to drag Bearcat away from drowning his Steelers' sorrow in cases of Iron City and bottles of Jameson long enough to make picks. Take it away, Bearcat.
I especially enjoy Wild Card weekend. Four games. Four different game times with each game being held back from starting until the prior game reaches completion. No need to switch back and forth between games. No fantasy football scores to ruin my experience.
Jets (+3) over BENGALS
This game is going to be really ugly…Low scoring, with both offenses providing sloppy play. You could say it lacks poise. His poise-ness Mark Sanchez will be the one that kill’s professional ass-hat Fireman Ed’s team as he throws up multiple interceptions. Maybe we will actually see Fireman Ed self-immolate… would that be ironic or an oxymoron? Either way it would be entertaining. Bungles will win but they don’t cover the points. The Pick: Bungles 14, J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets 12
Eagles (+4) over COWBOYS
Wait...wasn't this game supposed to be in Philly? Oh, right. The Eagles, with something to play for like a bye, a home game and the division, went into Dallas and shit the bed last weekend getting shut out. So who do I want to root against: Jerry Jones and Tony Romo or Philadelphia? While I love watching Philadelphians getting their still beating heart ripped from their chest more than practically anything, I really want to see Wade Phillips get fired by Jerry Jones live on the sidelines this Saturday night. It could give us the ultimate Wade "Is that a fart or shit?" Phillips face. I can see that and still watch Philly meltdown in the NFC title game. The Pick: Against my better judgment...Eagles 33, Cowboys 24
Ravens (+3.5) over PATRIOTS
I would rather pull out my fingernails from their beds than watch one of these two teams actually win a playoff game. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out a way for them both to lose. I don’t even want to acknowledge that this game is going on. The Patriots have not really won anything this year as far as I can tell. They lost on the road time and time again. They were overrated all season and then when they seemed to get the ball rolling at the season’s conclusion Welker blew out his whole knee. Fun Fact: A small memorial service is planned for Welker’s left knee at half time. It should be a moving experience. The Pick: Ravens 23, Patriots 21...I hate football and life may not be worth living.
Packers (+1) over CARDINALS
The Packers finished the season 11-5 and the Cardinals finished 10-6; yet Arizona gets the home game? During the last eight games Green Bay was a NFC best 7-1…But they have to travel back to Arizona for the second time in seven days? This seems unfair. Either way I am totally rooting for the Packers. Why? Because there is no team I would rather watch beat Brett Favre than Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. It would be sweet justice. If the Packers can go on to win the Super Bowl also that would be pretty awesome. If the Packers win the Super Bowl, I want ESPN to have someone at the Land Baron’s farm recording his tears as he proclaims once again that he is hanging it up for good. The Pick: Packers 34, Cardinals 17
Next to go we have Max Power...just remember that there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Jets (+3) over BENGALS
Did you know that the Bengals are 0-7 against the spread this year when favored? Did you know that New York's Thomas Jones was the NFL's third leading rusher this season? Did you know that the Bengals' Mike Brown is too cheap to build his team an indoor practice facility so Cincy has been practicing all week in near freezing temperatures outside? Did you know that Sexy Rexy Ryan had a fryolator installed at the Jets' administrative offices so he can eat corn dogs throughout the day? Did you know that only one of those things is untrue? The Pick: Jets 23, Bengals 20
COWBOYS (-4) over Eagles
There are some reports out of Philly saying that this will be Donovan McNabb's last time in an Eagles' jersey when they lose this game (and they will lose this game). Even though Kevin Kolb is obviously the cheaper option and McNabb is prone to vomiting and inaccurate passes in big games, I still find it tough to believe that Andy Reid and Joe Banner would rather throw McNabb onto the scrap heap and go with Kolb as their guy. Since the loss of Jamaal Jackson as their center on the offensive line, they have been outscored 44-10 in a game and a half…it won’t get any better on Saturday in Big D. The Pick: Cowboys 34, Eagles 17
PATRIOTS (-3.5) over Ravens
Make no mistake about it…this is the beginning of the end for the Brady/Belichick Era...just not this week. Do not listen to the talking heads on TV who are too lazy to do any work this season and are crowning them based on the last 9 years (“You’re with me, leather”). And even though they head into this game without the league’s most prolific receiver (“Fahking Welkah!!!”), Baltimore’s pass defense has been atrocious in preventing the big play. Guess what Brady and Randy Moss bring to the table? That’s right…the big play. The Pick: Patriots 31, Ravens 24
CARDINALS (-1) over Packers
Before the season started on of our DSB podcasts, I picked the Packers to go to the Super Bowl out of the NFC. After winning 7 of their last 8, many other pundits are doing the same. Vegas made this a 1-point spread, so they are telling you they like the Packers more if it wasn’t for the 3-point bump of the Cardinals playing at home. I’m not that sold. Mike McCarthy is a terrible gameday coach who is very predictable. God’s Quarterback is prominently involved and if you give him the time to throw, good things usually happen. The key to this game will be the health of Anquan Boldin and his ability to play effectively. Expect one of the toughest guys in the league to suit up and be a factor. The Pick: Cardinals 38, Packers 34
And just like the worm in a cheap bottle of tequila, we're saving the best for last...Donnie Douche' you're on the air in 4...3...2...
PLAYOFFS! ARE WE TALKING ABOUT PLAYOFFS?! You bet we are! And the best Douche’ out there is here to tell you who to take to make you money! Wildcard games are often a good way to judge how the playoffs will roll, and since I already know how the wildcard games will pan out let’s make some cash, some moolah, and some green! I am not going to waste your time selling you any harder, so let’s get right to it!
BENGALS (-3) over Jets
The Jets stink. Sure they beat the Bengals last week and the Colts the week before. Oh by the way, neither of those teams had anything to play for when they met the Jets and they sat most of the starters for at least half of their respective games. Getting to the playoffs are a late Christmas present for T-Rex Ryan whose carnivorous appetite will keep at least a few Cincy restaurants in business for another year. The Bengals will force Marciak Sanchez to throw and that is how the Jets will crash land into the Hudson without Sully leading the way. The Pick: Take the Bengals, give the 3 points and run to the bank like a cheetah running down a wounded gazelle!
Eagles (-4) over COWBOYS
NFC East divisional rivalry playoff edition! Dallas is 2-0 this year against Philly. Everyone told me that Philly was going to whoop on Dallas last week and get the playoff bye. This Douche’ said no way! Philly is struggling with major injuries on the O-line. Dallas has a better D-line than people think and everyone knows that Donovan can’t run away from defenders anymore The Pick: Dallas is going to win this game. But take Philly and the 4 points as Dallas holds off a charging Eagles squad that falls short by a field goal and you can cash in faster than Phil Helmuth at the WSOP!
Ravens (+3.5) over PATRIOTS
No Wes Welker, an injured Tom Brady, a lackluster defense, and the quitter (Randy Moss). New England is awesome! Screw Belichick and the Pats! The Douche' says the Ravens soar! Last season’s best two rookies were in Baltimore and they alone have created an offensive core that can last a decade! Ray Rice is a beast and Joe Flacco has a cannon! As the game last Sunday against Houston ended, Belickick started crying about the field conditions. Field Conditions? In football? You Pussy! Real football is still found in Small Town America where kids get together and play tackle without pads on a Saturday afternoon on snow covered fields (empty lots) in the middle of January. These million dollar cry babies should get a life! The Pick: Give me the Baltimore felons that at least love the game and they will roll over New England like a fat chick at a buffet and easily cover the 3.5!
Packers (+1) over CARDINALS
This is the best game of the week! Green Bay is everyone’s sexy pick! But they remind me of the butter-face girl. Everything is hot and sexy, but(her) face. When you get a good look at the Pack, there are a lot of flaws! The running game doesn’t exist when playing good teams. The O-line is weak and can be pushed around. Arizona is very similar to Green Bay in that there are a lot of great things but after close scrutiny, there are problems. Turnovers are their biggest issue. Too many fumbles, too many interceptions! The Pick: The Douche’ that I am says take the Pack and the point and do it big and then make like a shepherd and get the flock out of there with all your winnings!
| ZJ |  |  |  |  |
| Bearcat | |  | | |
| Max Power | | |  |  |
| Donnie Douche' |  | | | |
Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy's Sugar Ball..
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: Ravens-Patriots Wild Card Weekend Packers-Cardinals Eagles-Cowboys Jets-Bengals
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