The Brazil Nut:

                                        
                                                        I lit this one on fire just to teach it a lesson...

Why the Brazil Nut is a Jerk:  It’s the holiday season and that means holiday parties.  I am a big fan of going to holiday parties in general.  While I don’t particularly like most of the company, the fact that there are often copious amounts of alcohol fixes that issue right up.  At every holiday party there is a big spread and people put out little dishes of mixed nuts for people to snack on while enjoying their beverages.  I have been known to single handedly devour an entire dish of mixed nuts in one sitting.  I even get a little protective…holding in my greed when others snag a handful.  But there is one nut they can have… the Brazil nut.  I hate Brazil nuts.  I love all the other varities in the mix: Peanuts (technically a legume), Cashews, Pecans, Walnuts, Almonds.  I love them all very much because I am fat and they go well with beer.

I have never met anyone who likes or enjoys Brazil nuts.  They are horrible.  They are too big.  Their texture is unappealing.  They taste funny.  So why does Planters insist on putting a half dozen of these in their small sized mixed nuts can?  Because for every Brazil nut there are three cashews that are not getting in the mix.  They take up space.  Kind of like a nut version of Casey Hampton.  So Planters does not care if you hate the Brazil nut.  It fills the can and takes up valuable space that could otherwise hold nuts that you would much rather be eating.  Damn them. 

For that the Brazil nut gets Jerk Store entry.

A quick ranking of the nuts in a traditional holiday mix:

1:  Cashews – I fucking love cashews.  I can eat my weight in these things.
2:  Almonds – Always welcome
3:  Pecans – Would rank higher if they had that awesome sugar crust
4:  Walnuts – Bonus points for not making me crack them myself
5:  Hazelnuts – Never have I been excited to have a hazelnut.
6:  Peanut – If I wanted peanuts I would have bought a can of peanuts
7:  Brazil Nuts

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...
Bearcat