The Jerk Store: Norm Abram "Master Carpenter"
If you don't know Norm Abram then you obviously have been living under a rock for the past 30 years. Abram is the master carpenter of PBS' This Old House and the host of The New Yankee Workshop. Now Norm might be a nice enough guy but when he starts out building a new china cabinet out of that virgin timber hardwood in just under an hour of TV time it is enough for me to want to hunt him down with a large caliber rifle. Is there anyone on TV that can make a man feel any more inept? The guy goes into his workshop (a huge barn that he designed and built) and has every power tool known to man. The guy has at least three drum sanders. Who the fuck owns multiple drum sanders? If that was not bad enough he makes some of his own tools when he needs the right tool for the job. That is just offensive. Ever see his collection of clamps? The man must have a second workshop just to house all of his clamps. A normal man has a couple awkward fitting clamps that are never quite properly designed for the task at hand and he never has enough of them. Norm has more clamps than Home Depot. Not your local Home Depot...more than all Home Depots.
Watch me put together shit that you can never recreate...
Then there is Norm's famous speech about safety: "Before we use any power tools, let's take a moment to talk about shop safety. Be sure to read, understand, and follow all the safety rules that come with your power tools. Knowing how to use your power tools properly will greatly reduce the risk of personal injury. And remember this: there is no more important safety rule than to wear these — safety glasses." (Points to his ever present eye glasses) Who actually reads the safety manuals for their power tools? If I were to actually sit down and read that technical gobbledy-gook my brain would start to bleed.
I would pay serious money to watch this guy lose his temper over a project and begin swearing at the hope chest he is assembling that day. I want to watch him misplace a tool or realize he picked up the wrong size screw and be forced to travel to True Value for the third time in one day because he keeps getting the wrong materials for his Gregorian Breakfast Nook project. I want him to be forced to meltdown in a project just like I do every time I open my tool box. Until that time he can preach to measure twice and cut once in the Jerk Store.
Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...
Bearcat
Posted by Bearcat at 12/11/2009 12:18 AM 
Categories: Jerk Store
Tags: The New Yankee Workshop Norm Abram This Old House
Categories: Jerk Store
Tags: The New Yankee Workshop Norm Abram This Old House
Nice one Bearcat! Now if only some young producers could get a hold of him in his fancy workshop. Just imagine, instead of that beautiful corner cabinet for the fine china, he builds a nice shelving system for your endless supply of liquor, or perhaps a nice entertainment center. Enough already with the furniture that our parents all have, and you're not allowed to sit on or use.
Reply to this