Why they are Jerks: Cats rank just above Pol Pot and below Tom Cruise on the Bearcat Ultimate Hate Scale. Right in the heart of the top five. People believe cats to be elegant, sleek, graceful, nimble and athletic. Kind of like an athletic ballerina of the animal kingdom. That is all horseshit. Cats spend 20 hours of their days sleeping...lazy bastards. If I had to guess what their character would be personified - - they would most certainly be French (that alone should be reason enough). The names provided to cats are generally cutesy names that little girls would name things like Mittens, Whiskers or Kitty. Their fur balls are the equivalent of a month's worth of soap scum and the hair that collects in the shower drain but in one toxic little ball on your kitchen counter. Ever watch a cat kill a mouse? Sadistic little bastards. They don't so much hunt them as they play with them to watch them hurt. Cats can play with a half dead mouse for hours. Later toying with the dead body as a celebration of their kill. They act like Caesar displaying their "trophy" as a warning to other mice that they will murder them just for the pleasure of watching them suffer and if a cat could do it to you, it would. Not even kittens are acceptable. Under that cute furball exterior is a Hitler in training. Ever watch a cat drag its ass across a carpet? It will stare you in the eye as it smears its shit across your living room carpet. Smug bastards. Think that cat is cuddling with you? Wrong. It is marking you with its scent. It is marking its territory. The cat owns you. For all these reasons, cats are the official pet of the Jerk Store.