The Jerk Store... This Time It's Personal

Generally, in this post I list fairly well know individuals that have violated the social order in such a way that they require me to call them to the carpet and cut them down to size with juvenile humor and dick jokes.  Well this time we are going to place some people into the Jerk Store that you don't necessarily know... they are not famous or all that news worthy but they are sure as hell Jerk Store worthy. 

The Woman Who Drives Really Slowly In My Parking Garage:
              
                                                    Just park the damn thing already!!!

Why she is a Jerk:  Dear 40-something woman in the tan CR-V that drives painfully slow in my parking garage.  I hope you get run over by your own car.  At 8:00 in the morning people are only driving into the parking garage to park.  No one is leaving the garage.  Your painfully slow pace of driving, stopping at every turn and beeping before going around the two lane turn up a level is slowly killing me.  How can you be so paralyzed by fear when driving and still do it every day?  I have never seen anyone drive so freaking slow during a morning commute in my entire life.  But somehow I end up behind you at least twice a week.  By the way, please stop trying to back into a space with your compact SUV.  You could not park a Schwinn in a twelve foot wide parking slot in an open field.  What makes you think you can put a car into a tight parking lot space in reverse?  Your two attempts to park with the mirrors before giving up and going up a level is going to force to me plow into your drivers side at 30 mph if you don't give it up.  How the fuck can it really take you 20 minutes to navigate a simple, run-of-the-mill parking garage?  That line of cars behind you?  Each has a driver wishing death upon you and your household.  I have actually considered getting out of my car and offering to valet it for you.  Anything to get you to move.  Please either give up getting behind the wheel or start taking the bus.  Anything.  I am begging you.  Until then, welcome to the Jerk Store.

Old Men Who Call into WHP 580 AM and Ask Stupid Questions:
                                      
                                            Hello Bob, long time listener first time caller... 
                                        Can you get me direction to the Old Country Buffet?

Why they are Jerks:  Ray, Robert, Thomas, and Herm... you call into an AM radio show... don't pretend you don't know who you are... you call in to Bob Durgin and ask dumb ass questions that are completely off topic.  You ask Durgin if he knows if a legislative bill regarding oil well drilling in PA will impact your social security checks.  1.  Why the hell would that happen?  2. I thought they were talking about the city's mayoral election today.  3. What makes you think that even if that was the case that Durgin or "someone in his audience" would have the answer?
Here is an idea for you.  How about instead of treating AM radio as your own personal research center you log on to that wonder we like to call Google and look this crap up yourself.  Since you are the only person that is wondering if your Medicare benefits will be cut if you continue to keep your dog chained up outside that will save the rest of us from having to listen to you fumble though your question.  Also we know this is not the first time you have called so why do you still have the radio on while you are talking?  Are you that desperate to hear your own voice?  Also what the hell is the call screener doing?  He is a Jerk too for not filtering out these losers.

I am off my personal bitching now...

Callie Rogers:
                            
                               Half a million bucks worth of blow... How did she not OD?

Why she is a Jerk:  You probably don't know Callie Rogers.  She is from jolly old England and six years ago at the age of 16 she won 1.9 million pounds or nearly three and a half million dollars American.  Not the largest jackpot but certainly more than enough to change your live.  Today, six years later, Ms. Rogers is broke. It is not unusual for a lotto winner to blow it all but this one is interesting because Ms. Rogers blew the majority of her money on blow.  That is a lot of eight balls!  The now mother of two is blaming the English government for allowing her to have access to her winnings at such a young age.  After winning she went on a constant spending spree that involves: breast implants, coke, designer cloths, coke, fast cars, coke, elaborate family vacations and did I mention coke?  The girl has a serious problem and literally blew most of her money up her nose.  In all honestly I kind of feel bad for Ms. Rogers.  The people around her are the biggest Jerks.  That being said she is the one that kept blowing the cash.

 

Anthony Miller and His Wife: 

                                
                                 When I went to say "pass the salt honey" it came out as...
                                             "You ruined my fucking life you bitch!"

Why he is a Jerk:  Once again you probably don't know Mr. Miller or his complete bitch of a wife, but earlier this week Miller was sentenced to 3-6 years of preison for robbing a bank in Ephrata PA.  When asked why he robbed the bank Miller responded that he did it to get away from his wife.  Miller's wife is such a horrific bitch that he decided to go out and commit a crime so as to avoid having to leave her.  Miller went into a local Wal-Mart bought a BB gun and held up a bank because he did not have the heart to leave the insufferable bitch that is his wife because she threatened to kill herself with pills if he ever left.   Miller got sentenced to 3-6 years for his crime.  The highlight of the story came about halfway through this LancasterOnline.com article.  "Miller's defense attorney, Robert Beyer, said that when the woman, now Miller's ex-wife, came to pick up his car after he was taken into custody, she met with the arresting officer.  After 20 minutes with her, the officer said, "I was ready for jail, too," Beyer dryly noted."  Priceless.  For all this.  Miller and his ex-wife are both jerks.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy's Sugar Ball...
Bearcat

Posted by Bearcat at 9/2/2009 11:00 AM
Categories: Jerk Store
 

What did you think of this article?




Trackbacks
Trackback specific URL for this post
  • No trackbacks exist for this post.
Comments
  • No comments exist for this post.
Leave a comment

Submitted comments are subject to moderation before being displayed.

 Name

 Email (will not be published)

 Website

Your comment is 0 characters limited to 3000 characters.